Funny how I consciously think about dating when I'm married...I suppose it's that retrospect thing...or wanting to share my wisdom...or vainly thinking someone would care....lol

Either way if you make it to the end of this congrats cause I have no idea at this point what I’m going to say. That quote in my subject I got from the book ‘He Just Not That Into You’ which of course is a cult classic, some absolutely swear by it’s wisdom and then there are others who poo poo it as some sort of pop culture excuse for relationships that don’t work. Me…I read excerpts from it and think that it has a point…even if it is written for the relationships of today.

So here is Sheri’s rant about dating, relationships and men. ;) I do know the irony of writing this sort of thing now when I’m in a stable relationship and have an end result to my years of wondering if I would ever get here. However, I think it’s my years of being single; going through the taboos and naysayers in that time gives credence to what I’m going to say…I suppose in the end you, the reader, can decide for yourself.

I’ll start with the fact that for any of this to work a woman (I speak only from a female perspective because I would not begin to know how a male thinks as I am not one. lol :) needs to have a idea about who she is and be proud to be that person. Since I am a Christian I also believe that working on a relationship with Jesus just strengthens who you are. I’ve also believed for a long time that in looking for a life partner you want to look not for someone to complete you but for someone to walk along side you as you work through who you are about to become. Change is inevitable and if you embrace the good change and stand up to the bad I think you are well on the way to finding a mate.

The thing that can drown even the best of us is the action of waiting to find that mate. This is probably one of the four letter words that I hate the most…WAIT. It’s a word that gives me chills and not in a good way. I hear the word and I see the endless tunnel of unknown with no end in sight. No idea of how long I must wait to see the result I long for. I remember being 21 and just begging the Lord to give me some sort of clue as to who I would marry or fall in love with. Would I know? Would it blind side me or would it be so obvious I couldn’t miss it? What if I did miss it? Would I get another chance? Had I already missed it?...and so on. These questions just devoured me…I was just under two years older than my mom had been when she got married to her high school sweetheart. (They hit 35 years married this year :) I figured I was over the hill and anyone who tried to make me feel better would say things like ‘I have this aunt who go married when she was 45…’ or ‘Maybe you shouldn’t be so picky…’ or ‘You’re too strong you scare guys away…’

Advice that was usually dolled out by those who were already married, had deluded themselves into thinking they were happy in their relationships, or were single and desperately trying to believe it themselves. I personally think those statements meant to be encouragement do not help at all!! At 21 I don’t want to hear about your aunt who was 45 or older when she finally got married! At the least you are giving me a 24 year window of desperately wanting it even more…so please keep that reassurance to yourself. I’m not being picky, I know who I am, I know the kind of personality that will compliment me and I am perfectly willing to get to know someone to find out if they are that personality. Don’t fault me if I figure it out sooner than most…I will not stay in a relationship with no goal just to say I’m in one. My favorite though and the one that caused me to grind my teeth as I slept is:

“You’re too strong you scare guys away…”

That statement I say is a lie. I will not deny that there are a lot of women who put up these huge defense mechanisms to protect them from the predators of the opposite sex and in turn could push away a perfectly good mate. I don’t blame them and fully believe that a real man will see that defense for what it is and be able to see past it and find the woman behind it. In my case my strength came from another man, my father, and I would not even begin to disrespect him by turning away from the person he helped me become. I am strong because I know who I am. I know who I am as a person. I know and trust in my relationship with Christ. This does not make me too strong…in fact it made me the woman I am who actually had a man fall in love with this strength.

Being strong did not mean I was looking for a puppy dog who would follow me wherever I went and did my bidding. One of things I love the most about my husband is the fact that he is not afraid of me…he embraces my strength and works with it, not against it. If I can find a man to love me like this then any other woman who wishes to embrace her strength can do the same. It’s as simple as that. Now of course there is that damn WAIT. Stupid word. I can’t guarantee that the moment you embrace who you are Mr. Right will knock on the door and say all the right things…but you will start feeling that much better about who you as well as WHERE you are in life.

I remember the moment that I decided I was okay. When I really meant it…I remember telling Krista that I was perfectly okay with being the best aunt ever if I was never to have my own children. And that I would travel as much of the world as I could and live life to the absolute fullest by myself if that was to be the case. I had said this kind of thing before but I think at that moment was when I actually believed them. I wasn’t half a person looking to be whole, I was a whole person who was given many privileges not least of which a huge group of family and friends who were loyal and loved me completely. I may have wanted a man in my life but I certainly didn’t NEED one. When she said to me ‘this is the first time I’ve actually believed you.’ I knew I was on the right track.

That conversation and that moment were about two months before I met my husband. It was also during that month where my father decided to fervently pray that I finally get to meet the man that he believed the Lord had picked out for me. Many, many times I had tried to manipulate that moment by saying those exact things but it was when I truly believed them that my course changed. I think intrinsically I knew that I really had to embrace those statements and then I could be content where I was. Please don’t hear that I had given up the search or that I had stopped desperately wanting to be in love. What I had given up was the amount of control I had given this desperation. My choice was not to given up on love, but to give up on my relentless pursuit of it.

Going back to dating I like some of things that the above book mentioned. The fact mainly being that a guy knows if he wants you and if he does then he will go after you. I remember after the end of a rather ridiculous relationship someone said to me ‘a man should be willing to crawl across broken glass to be with you.’ Meaning…I was worth being fought for…I was worth being pursued and allowing myself to be pursued did not mean that my independence or self worth was compromised.

I remember one of the first things that got me so interested in my husband. He was willing to call me (at his sister’s house no less!)…he endured relentless teasing from his family. Heck, he actually met me right in front of his parents KNOWING that they were looking ahead to our wedding…lol What sort of man goes through that if isn’t genuinely interested? Honestly I can’t think of one. I threw a lot of 'tests' at him to see if he was just ironically being the perfect man for me, but he fought past all of them. He wasn't afraid of me people! He, in turn, knew who HE was and knew HE could love me in a way no one had. Even if that specifically didn't go through his head, it showed in his actions. Which I read loud and clear. I have never been willing to ‘settle’ to stay with someone just to be in a relationship…even when that looked like the most promising antidote. So even though I had to ‘wait’ for my husband it was all completely worth it…I didn’t have to settle because Mr. Right-for-Me really was out there. I just met him about 10 years later then I had anticipated.

So what was my goal in this? I don’t know…don’t even get me started on being an ‘old virgin’ or ‘how the church treats older singles’ that would take more typing than I want to commit to right now. lol

Rant out...