I made a new one!

It was my thing during the beginning of this hell my family has been living in for 4 and a half years to make mix CDs of all of our favorite worship and love songs. Whatever music we used to express ourselves at that time...the lyrics that touched us the most. We'd (read: I'd) put them together and make one disc of 'our' music. There is a January '04 mix...an '06 mix and a few '05 ones in there. I'm getting pretty damn good at it now...if I do say so myself. Oh yeah my mom agrees....lol

So here's the song list of the newest one. I've mentioned some of the songs in this blog and others you probably recognize...if not...I'll tell you why it's on here just cause I'm hiding out from people today and I just made it...lol

1. The Price of Love - Heather Clark <-- As previously stated in the post entitled (I have learned to be free) this song is my mom's anthem...it's just powerful people and it has not failed to make me cry yet.
2. My Savior My God - Aaron Shust <-- This is my dad's song. He has been told that it's actually an old song but he heard it during worship one day and it resonated so therefore it is fantastic. Although the truth is it really is just amazing. It's hard to sing it when you're in a pit of despair, which makes it all that more powerful.
3. He Reigns - Newsboys <-- I've actually put this on another mix but I just love it I'm putting it on this one too. Also my dad discovered this song a bit after I did (he's slow like that). My favorite line "And all the powers of darkness Tremble at what they’ve just heard ‘Cause all the powers of darkness Can’t drown out a single word." I like that line because I like making the powers of darkness tremble and shutting them up and pissing them off...it makes me smile.
4. Cry Out To Jesus - Third Day <-- The title is pretty self explanatory I mean really if you can't cry out to Jesus how do you properly deal with pain?
5. Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks <-- HAHAHA I did not think I'd put this on one of my mixes...but both of my parents heard it and loved and and then I finally paid attention to the lyrics and frankly I love it...ahaha We don't conform, my family and I...we don't know how.
6. Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns <-- My lovely friend Jenn bought this CD for me and told me to listen to this song...oh my WORD it's so poignant I can't even tell you. It causes me to trust the still small voice who says "I'm with you."
7. Bring The Rain - MercyMe <-- The fact that I followed a 'storm' song with a 'rain' song is not lost on me...this was one of those songs I was listening to in the background and it just hit me. I've blogged about it already...so check the archives if you want more. (my ability to add links has left me for the time being)
8. You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban <-- I love Josh Groban! His voice is amazing...and his song 'You Raise Me Up' is what we listened to for two of the hardest weeks of my life...every morning...so yeah it seems fitting to have this song on here...and heck the title explains a lot. Check out the lyrics if you are curious. :)
9. A Living Prayer - Alison Krauss <-- My mom loves this song so therefore it is on the CD...I've heard it a few times but haven't formed my own solid attachment.
10. I Would Die For You - MercyMe <-- One of the best lines in a song "You never know why you're alive until you know what you would die for." Wow so true and so chilling and yeah that line alone makes the song worth it.
11. Thank You - Heather Clark <-- My mom listens to this song when she does communion...it's gorgeous.
12. Amazing Love - Newsboys <-- I like this version of the song...just cause I can.
13. Love Them Like Jesus - Casting Crowns <-- The title is the perfect explanation of how to deal with people who are in pain...so simple and so hard for many people to grasp. Trust me.
14. February Song - Josh Groban <-- In the past four years this month has been pure hell for us...especially me (I miss you Jamie) so yeah...my mom chose it basically because it has February in the title...good thing it's a beautiful song!
15. Lullaby - Dixie Chicks <-- My mom's friend loves this song, introduced it to mom...it's on the CD...I have yet to hear it through...I'm sure it's great. :)

Aren't a just a barrel of laughs when I'm home with nothing to do?

It's Christmas...and it doesn't feel like it. I know by now I'm supposed to be in the Christmas spirit by now. I mean commercially I can't go anywhere without a media driven image to remind me of the season as well as the ads telling me what I HAVE to buy to prove my love for my friend's and family. Yet still, doesn't feel like Christmas.

Maybe it's because our family Christmas this year is 'askew' like my mom says. Everything about Christmas this year is abnormal. This makes it highly difficult for me to enjoy Christmas because I've forgotten how to enjoy simple things. I'm too jaded I think.

Honestly who's this pessimistic on Dec. 25th? Me...call me unique, original, an enigma...or just tell me to have a nap, drink some wine and get over it already.

I just wish it was that easy.

Merry f'in Christmas. It's what my mom said yesterday when we were visiting my dad...my sentiments exactly mom. :p

Okay so thanks out to all those who get me about the curling and such! It's amazing when you think you're the only one who avoids this kind of thing or whatever and then you find out you aren't as alone as you thought...such is my life in that regard.

So I gotta say something is happening that frightens me...it's not a big deal or a total transformation but it's still frightening...folks I hate to say this...but...

I'm turning into my mom. *sigh*

My 16 year old self is screaming at me right now...actually yelling.

I'd like it to be known that I absolutely adore my mother she is one of the more fantastic women out there and I am damn lucky to have her as my mother...that said, this turning into her thing...oh mercy.

How am I turning into my mother? Well for starters I start sentences now that I don't finish. Or start a thought process that I don't carry out...or at least not out loud the thought continues in my head. OR I start a thought in my head and continue it out loud leaving those around me most assuredly VERY confused. Jonathan the most because he is around me the most.

My mom has done this for as long as I can remember and her dad does it so it's a genetic thing. I caught myself the other day and have noticed it's becoming a habit...so I can't help it, while I am my own person these mannerisms are most definitely my mother.

My only reassurance in all this is that I might be able to pass these traits onto an unsuspecting child and watch as it unfolds in him or her. I know my mom is finding the whole thing highly amusing.

Well would you look at that stepping out of my comfort zone isn't so bad after all! I had a lot of fun. It's definitely a sport I could do more in times to come. Curling certainly made me realize that I have to do a bit more exercising than I'm doing right now. I'm out of shape...I got winded way sooner than I should.

Which means I'll think about doing pilates for a week and then it'll pass.

Tonight it's all about having a bath and watching a movie...I gotta combat all the 'exercise' I'm getting.

In short I could probably stand to take a few more risks like this and end up having fun and if I don't it's really not the end of the world.

Man look at me being mature and growing! :)

So I'm gonna do something today that I don't normally do. I'm going to play a sport...no really I don't do this. We're going curling for our staff/faculty Christmas party and I said I'd be on a team. I think I'm slowly going crazy...actually what I'm doing is realizing that I can't avoid these sorts of things just because I don't know them. So I'm gonna curl. It'll probaby be comical but I don't care I'm going to at least try to do it...because I have been told that in marrying Jonathan I have to play golf as well. So I'd better dang well just get used to playing things I didn't think I wanted to play.

I don't know much about curling except what I watched when I stayed with my grandparents a few years ago. Both my grandparents and my parents curl so I figure I'll at least try to curl this once...keep the family legacy evev if I'll suck.

I know this isn't a big deal to some but trust me, me volunteering to play a game or sport that I don't know REALLY well is unheard of. I usually just avoid it all, it's safer for me. But today I am choosing to step out of my comfort zone...go me.

I'll let ya know how well that goes and see if it'll ever happen again...lol

I swear that we, as a society, do not communicate well. It's saddens me that the fact that I want to keep up communication seems like such an oddity.

I love talking to Jonathan. He may not always understand what I'm saying but he's always willing to listen. Communicating with him actually feels like a two way street and this is refreshing to me. We're not always going to understand each other and there are going to be times of major frustration but we are both commited to communicating and this my friends seems to be a rarity in this day and age.

I see it around me in the best places. My parents communicate. My grandparents do as well. My sister and her husband are all about communication as well as my best friend and her husband. The important relationships around me show me that communication is a large key to their success.

Does it mean that everyone understands each other all the time...of course not, but damned if communication doesn't help the understanding. Each time Jonathan and I talk I feel like we are that much closer to completely understanding each other. It makes me wonderfully anxious to marry him. It's a beautiful thing

Another beautiful thing is sleep and I'm on my way to that so I'll stop now. I just had to share.

Relationship is amazing...and in this individualistic society we are lacking in relationship...it's sad because relationship is so fulfilling...I wouldn't trade it for anything. :)

Okay this is fantastic! I'm finally in the office I SHOULD be in. I've moved upstairs to where the previous owner of this job used to reside. It's a smaller office but it also only has one door and you have to go through another office to get to me. So I can actually get some work done. I've also got a new computer AND even an order for those wrist support on the computer thingies...it's fantastic.

Oops going over for a festive moment at a campus faculty member's home.

Today is a good day!

I haven't done one of these in like a week...so inspiration has hit me again (and I don't want to saturate you with silly cat pictures) here is yet another weird dialogue between uh...you know I'll take suggestions...what kinds of people does it sound like to you?!

Peace on Earth
©SDW 2006

"It's so cliche."

"What is?"

"Peace on earth, it's like a brand now, likened to Kleenex or Chapstick."

"Are you saying that no one ever thinks about it when they say it?"

"Not to the extent they should, I mean peace on earth, do they get what that means?"

"What does it mean to you?"

"See I knew you were going to ask me that."

"Well then you should already have an answer."

"My short answer is no, unless they know the peace of Jesus deep down inside of them then I don't believe people truly understand what that means."

"He made the ultimate sacrifice for peace."

"But a peace that most don't understand, they try to put the definition in a box. I don't know if we can truly understand peace until we are in a place without sorrow."

"Interesting point."

"I know it's comes from my over abundance of intellect."

"Does this place with no sorrow have room for pride?"

"You're funny."

"It's a gift, so how do you think peace can really be found on earth?"

"I think it arrived with Jesus and can be reclaimed through Him."

"You may have a point there."

"Thank you, peace to you."

"And also to you."

May you find your own peace on earth this holiday season wherever it may crop up around you! :)

I swear to you courtesy calls annoy me...so therefore I deduce that they are NOT in fact a courtesy. I don't want to hear about your new plan I don't really feel like spending my time telling you how to improve your facility and unless you are giving me money I DON'T want to talk to you!

I basically told the woman that unless she was saying I had won a boatload of cash then I didn't want to talk to her. I feel bad, I really do, I know she is just doing her job and probably gets a lot of people like me a day...you would think then with the frustration that people have with these kinds of calls that, oh I don't know know, companies WOULD STOP CALLING!

The face this little cat is making is EXACTLY what I wanna do, don't ask me when a better time is to call. NEVER is a better time. I have a life, I'm busy and I don't need you telling me how great RBC is I bank there I obviously don't have too much of an issue (although that said I am seriously considering switching...but I don't know where to). They called my cell and have called it FOUR TIMES in the last week and a half. Seriously if you had something important to say, or something that was pertinant to JUST me then you would leave a message. And frankly when they can't pronounce my name my moments of taking them seriously just ebb away.

I need sleep so badly it's stupid...no I take it back...I need rest. Soon...so soon...holidays are waving at me, I have only a few more days left!

I'll stop complaining now. :p

No really guys, like exhausted. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can't keep up because I'm so tired. I haven't had a proper break since...uh...since...umm...October? At least it feels that way.

Last weekend I had to work Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday (first two at the school Sunday at tanning salong). Then Monday I didn't work but I had to borrow my friend's car because mine is a POS so that I could pick my mom up from the airport and take her to my grandparents. So while I wasn't working I did have to get up early and be 'on' throughout the day.

Then I worked Tuesday and have been since. I also work till this Friday and frankly have no idea where I'm gonna get the energy to get anything done. I just have nothing...which sucks because I have local venues to book for my teams and forms to create and fill out for the tours next year. Plus I'm moving my office and helping me new officemate with her mail out.

All these things would be easier to go if I had some semblence of rest. You see this Friday I had to stay at my sister-in-law's because they helped us get our car fixed. So Saturday morning I'm up at 6am (after finally fallins asleep at 1) to drive into the city (1 hour trip) where I promptly got ready and went to work (tanning salon) for six hours. I worked there yesterday for over five and a half.

I just have no energy...none, my patience level is also at an all time low which means not only am I tired but I'm mildly agitated by everything. I would give anything to curl up in my bed and sleep. However I have to drive today for carpool (because last week I didn't) and then I have to drop some things off at my fiance's...

You ever feel like you have one of those days that feels like it's going on for weeks?

...moving.

I will allow for the appropriate amount of groaning at the ridiculous play on words there and then get on with my post.

So, two months into my new job and I'm moving. Not very far mind you, just upstairs, back into the office where this job used to be. Almost makes you wish the previous holder of this job would have mentioned it's need to stay in that office. Oh wait she did, it fell on deaf ears. Now it turns out it's probably a good idea for me to be in that office. Jeez ya think?

This means in the following week I am moving my stuff back upstairs into a quieter office with ONE door and more privacy for me to focus on...oh you know...work. There are so many distractions down here that frankly for me to get a solid hour of uninterupted work done is unheard of.

Plus I'm closer to the staff room which means closer to the coffee so my caffiene addicted body is happy about that. Oh and another thing. I'm getting a new computer! This is fantastic. The computer I am currently on is almost as old as the building with temperature issues (old in computer years, which is kinda like dog years multiply by 7 and it's more accurate).

You see part of my job is to go between three and four different applications and this thing whenever it updates anything slows down...well like right now, where there is a two second gap between me typing a letter and it showing up on the screen. Oh dear sweet new computer where for art thou?

In a couple of hours I'm going to pick up my POS Honda Accord from the mechanics where it needed to get fitted for a part that cost me over $200 to get replaced. My fiance and I have now sunk WAY more than this car is worth into it. I'm going to boycott my car, that's it I'm done we are SO getting a new one. I'll sell a kidney if I have to...does anybody know someone who wants to buy a kidney for a quarter of a million (come on I'd like to get a nice house out of this too)? If so let me know.

Anyway there are aspects of my job calling to me right now that I go and do them so I will. The temp is supposed to go up to a balmy 2 degrees C tomorrow...oh yay all this snow is going to melt...perfect...it can then freeze and cause driving hazards. *rubs temples* I love this province, I love this province, I love this province...

...except in the Bermuda triangle where I work. I suppose I should call it the Canadian triangle...cause if it was Bermuda I'm sure it'd be decidedly hot all year round. Anyway.

I work in a very old building, those of you who have been here know what I'm talking about. We're talking OLD(for a non-European country that is). So old that the heat has ceased to rise in this building. As the weather gets colder outside the colder it gets upstairs! The top floor is quite a bit cooler than the rest of the building. In fact the main level is the warmest! Figure that out.

Honestly you could stand in the stairwell on one of the stairs and from your waist down would be a couple of degrees warmer than the waist up. I just don't get it. They've combated the problem a bit better than my first year here, but yikes it just throws me off whenever I go up there. Not that I go up there often but the fact still remains it's weird.

In other news the further I get into this month the more distracted I feel...Focus Sheri...Focus. :)

I'm at it again...these silly dialogues just won't stop. Having coffee with the spirit? Heck who knows what this is. :p

Truth
©SDW 2006

"So what is truth?"

"You don't ask any of the easy questions do you?"

"I'm sorry I don't know how. So truth, what is it?"

"What do you think it is?"

"Oh I see how this is going to go you answer my question with a question. Okay I'll do it your way."

"That usually speeds up the process."

"In this day and age truth is relative, it can be manipulated, like putty, to suit any one person's views or beliefs."

"Is that what you believe?"

"It's hard not to be affected by the society in which I live."

"But is that what you believe?"

"I believe that Jesus spoke and lived a life of truth and I strive to do that in a world that has defiled the definition."

"So then can you answer your question?"

"What is truth? I guess hard questions don't have easy answers."

** Uh yeah, I don't get the convo either...just putting it out there. :)

There's something about my mom that just brings all kinds of comfort. It's gotta be in my genetic make up to just feel peace whenever I'm around her. Even when we are both in turmoil I still feel a sense of comfort when I'm near her. She is my mother after all, her voice calms me and when she hugs me it's like just for that moment I find peace. It brings me a lot of relief to see her because I feel responsible for her, just a little bit.

It happened naturally, my dad had to go so until he can return I feel it's my job to make sure she's okay. Not stopping my life or anything but definitely putting her in the foremost of my mind a lot of the time. I would have moved in with her when he went in except that she wouldn't let me. I thank her for that because I wouldn't have met Jonathan then and that would have been bad. Everything works out they way it should and in the midst of it all my mom brings me comfort.

Aspects of the Christmas season used to bring me comfort and now they are causing me just a bit of pain. I think about traditions that have come down in our family over the years and it will be very weird not having them happen this year. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being six just waiting to find out what's under the tree. Living in a protected world, not knowing the terrors that are out there.

See now I just want my mom. Silly isn't it?

I don't know what this is. I haven't decided if this is a dialogue that I'm having with myself...or if I'm talking to someone else...or if it's two characters I have yet to create. I got nothing, but since this is my blog and I feel like purging (as my lovely BFF suggested) I'm just going to stick these random dialogues in here and see what happens.

When I am Weak
© SDW 2006

"So what does that mean?"

"When I am weak He is strong?"

"Yes, that, what does that mean? What kind of weakness? What kind of strength?"

"I think compared to His strength we are all weak. So really..."

"He's saying 'depend on me'."

"Pretty much yeah."

"Sometimes that's easier said than done."

"Ya think?"

"I mean my weakness leaves me feeling vulnerable and completely out of control."

"So then how do you trust in a God you can't see?"

"Exactly."

"You just do."

"That's it? That's the solution, you just do? What if I can't just do that?"

"I think you can, I think we all can, I don't think He would ask us to do anything we aren't capable of doing."

"Psh, right, have you seen my life?"

"Sure and you've survived this far, therefore..."

"I'm capable."

"Through Him and His strength."

"If that's His strength it's awfully quiet."

"Maybe that's the point, maybe that's what He means by His strength. It's not our definition, but entirely His, His strength is only noticeable in retrospect."

"The whole 'footprints' thing? When I least expect it..."

"He carries you."

"It's funny I always wondered about that."

"What did you wonder?"

"That if He's carrying me how come I don't know?"

"Maybe if His strength is quiet than His touch is gentle. Your suffering blinds you to His carrying because He is conscious of your pain."

"How can He be conscious of my pain?"

"Because He felt it, because He chose to feel it, through pain of death He knows your suffering."

"So then He knows how to carry me."

"Gently."

"With a quiet strength."

"Exactly."

"When I am weak He is strong."

"That's truth."

Yeah I was most definitely inspired by Krista. I'd link her but I can't for the life of me figure out how to do that and I don't have the time...click 'Krista's blog' to the right there -->

Anyway Krista wrote a dialogue in her blog that inspired me to write one...it makes no sense and probably won't go much further than it is...but I'm putting it here anyway.

Do with it what you will:

People
© SDW 2006

“I just don’t get it.”

“You don’t get what?”

“You know…it.”

“If I knew what ‘it’ was I wouldn’t have asked my previous question.”

“I don’t get people.”

“When did people become an it?”

“When I couldn’t get them anymore.”

“Explain.”

“I thought I just did.”

“Very funny, explain.”

“It’s always about them, never about anyone else.”

“Always about who?”

“People.”

“So people are more concerned with themselves than anyone else around them?”

“Exactly.”

“Are you part of people?”

“Sometimes, although I try not to be, it seems selfish to me.”

“Selfish to worry only about yourself?”

“Exactly.”

“What do you think you can do about…people?”

“I don’t know, they don’t seem to listen to reason.”

“An example of reason would be…”

“That life can be more fulfilling if you embrace another point of view.”

“People just don’t get that?”

“Nope.”

“I wonder why that is.”

“They don’t listen; they just assume that they way they think is right.”

“People just don’t get it.”

“Which is why I just don’t get people.”

You know sometimes it sucks NOT being normal. Sometimes it just really blows goats that my life can't fall under some realm of normality. My mom seems to think that there is some normalcy what with me falling in love with and wanting to marry this man. That's normal, a lot of people do that.

If only it were that simple.

I just don't understand some thought processes sometimes. I just don't. They leave me with a dry mouth and a rather large headache. I'm dealing with a new family who looks at the world differently than I do. I most assuredly do NOT want to devalue their view or trash talk the difference, however the fact remains they view the world differently. Here's lowdown:

For my whole life I have viewed family, geographically, in a broad spectrum. For as long as I can remember most of my extended family has lived in other provinces even in the states. When I think about visiting anyone in my family it always includes flying or major travel. It just always has, so when I think about a family get together or family event, say a wedding, I instantly think 'okay where do I have to fly'. It doesn't occur to me that there is a price for the flight because to me seeing that family member does not have a price tag. I just don't think about it.

Since I was 18 the geography of my family life was even more immediate when I moved to BC, a number of provinces away from my parents. Now I live in MB, my sister lives in BC and my parents and brother live in ON. Any kind of family anything includes travel and as far as I can remember the price of travel was never the issue, merely the time available to make the trip. So I don't have a space in my mind for family members who spend extended amounts of time harping about paying for a trip. I understand that the resources are not there sometimes and that money is tight. I totally get that, my dad hasn't been making money for almost four years and I was a student for three years and sometimes lived off my credit card. Yet, still a flight, anywhere, to be involved with my family always made it on my priority list. Even if I had to eat Kraft dinner for a month to afford it.

Again I do not want to disrespect anyone because they do not think like I do. That is narrow minded and I do not want to consciously do that. I love and respect anyone who is connected to my future husband and I don't want there to be any miscommunication about that. I know that I also need to move out of my mindset that everyone has to think like me. How can someone think like me if they have not lived my life?

Therefore I fall back on the desire to be 'normal'. If only...because then maybe some of these issues would not even be present. I also wouldn't be me at all and I kinda like me, so I'm torn...do I embrace my uniqueness to the detriment of relationship...do I ignore my uniqueness to be understood in relationship...or is there a plan C that I am missing?

Anyone?

Okay so planning a wedding is fun right? Because right now I feel like someone being pulled in 80 different directions and I only have the two arms.

Is it bad that I just want my marriage to start? I don't want to cater to aunt so and so who would prefer that I blah blah...or such and such who can't afford blee. I just want to marry the man and start my life with him. Of course I want to wear the dress. I want the pictures and I want to be able to celebrate with family and friends, but honestly I also want to enjoy it and at the rate I'm going enjoyment left this process a long time ago.

Now I'm everyone's bitch and I just have to show up to justify THEIR party. Stupid. How naive am I? I thought this day was about Jonathan and I...I know I'm delusional what a silly girl I just have to pay for the festities and feel privleged that so many people 'care' about me. If they cared so much than why does it feel like it's more about them?

In other news I just want Christmas to start but I'm dreading it at the same time. It should be time off for me but I keep getting this impression of impending doom or added stress. It would really REALLY be nice if I could have a breather, a place where I could inhale and exhale without taking in all the crap around me.

Stop thinking in big picture format Sheri...one step at a time.

One. Step. At. A. &*%(ing. Time.

*sigh*

I swear to the ever present Lord that I WILL write a positive update one of these days...I will find something positive in life. Oh it'll be there.

I'm on a roll cause for some reason I can't sleep so I'm listening to music and I forgot about this song. I can't believe I forgot about this song because it just such an amazing song.

This my friends is my mom's anthem. This is what she listens to as she makes her weekly trek to be able to spend just a scant few hours with the man that she loves. This is what she listens to when she doesn't understand why she has to sleep in a king size bed by herself. If you can find a copy of this song...get it.

Price of Love
Heather Clark

And I have seen a million miles of desert land
And I have learned to be free
And I have walked the shadow lands of Egypt
And I have learned to be free

And I have held the mane of untamed horses
And I have learned to be free
And I have walked on frozen lakes in my soul
And I have learned to be free

And I have known the price of love
And given all I have for a moments time with you
And I have died a thousand times
And I have learned to be free

And I have lost what only death could take from me
And I have learned to be free
And I have gained what only life could give to me
And I have learned to be free

And I have known the price of love
And given all I have for a moments time with you
And I have died a thousand times
And I have learned to be free

And I have craved and walked away in silence
And I have learned to be free
And I have looked into the face of injustice
And I have learned to be free

And I have known the price of love
And given all I have for a moments time with you
And I have died a thousand times
And I have learned to be free

Bolded is a verse I've claimed as my own. Society has no idea what freedom really is. I'll go to bed now.

It has been a long time since I have had a song make me cry from the moment I started listening. A lot of the songs that make me cry and just feel so much closer to Jesus are sung by this group.

On the way to work today I really listened to this song and it just pierced my heart. Oh Jesus to be closer to you I would go through this all over again, every second is worth it, even when I don't understand. I would do it again to be closer to Him...nothing compares to it...not...one...thing.

Bring the Rain
Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Is the Lord God Almighty

May we all live to understand that the goal is to be like Jesus so we can ALL be with Jesus.

I don't know what I think about this. I have been getting positive feedback so that's definitely a good thing, but heck I said this was going to be a writing blog so I figured I'd at least try it out on you guys, whomever reads this. :)

Here's an idea...it's a working title and I'm still figuring out the bugs, hopefully this one takes off and doesn't go to the writing graveyard I'm collecting on my computer.

Let me know what ya'll think:

My Choice
© SDW 2006

I should have a superhero suit. In fact I should invest in one and then go out to fight crime because apparently what I am is just such an iconic thing people literally are in awe when they hear it.

Let me tell you a little bit more about me. My name is Caden. I am 24. I live in a basement suite owned by my parents. I work as an administrative assistant for a local counsellor. I’m social, I like to hang out with my friends and have a great relationship with my parents and siblings. I consider myself to be average looking although I’ve heard tell that some find me very attractive. I can’t rate, I have to look at my face and body every day I’m just me.

I cry at chick flicks and see no point to horror movies. I watch TV and spend most of my time analyzing the characters like they are patients where I work. I’m spiritual but not a bible thumper and am quite comfortable with where I am in my life. I am non judgemental and feel that each person needs to make their own choices and have found that my faith works well for me.

So do I have superhuman strength? Uh no. Can I read people’s minds? I wish. Have I found the fountain of youth? Sheesh the things you people will believe. So then why should I be a superhero…wait for it…drumroll please. I’m a virgin.

Try not to choke on your gasp.

There’s more, I’m a virgin by choice.

I’ll give you a moment now to let that sink in. Then I’ll continue.

Are you done yet? You need more time? Okay but I do have things to say here and it can’t be all about you.

I’ll continue now. It’s true I’m a virgin. I’ll help you through the various phases that happen when someone finds out. First assumptions that come through are; I don’t know where to find men who want to have sex. Okay now you’re going to have to give me a minute to stop my insatiable laughter. I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday people; give me a little credit here.

Next you’ll be saying I come from a majorly structured home where my overbearing controlling father told me there was no way I was having sex. So now I’m so scared of sex because of my upbringing that I won’t even think about it for fear of being smote down from a damning God. Wrong again, I have trusting parents who told me their beliefs but did not force me to choose anything. If you’d meet me after a few seconds I think you’d agree that telling me to do anything won’t get you very far.

Any other excuse you come up with is basically reaching and frankly I give you more credit than that. I’ll help you out, most men I’ve met want sex and a number have specifically wanted it from me. This of course leads one to understand that I’m quite capable of finding men. As I’ve previously stated my parents trust me and do not control me. For the record, I also do not have a bizarre growth or some type of irreparable disease. There is no foreseeable reason for my virginity except that I’ve chosen it.

Have I convinced you? In a world where Sex in the City and Friends permeate our minds it is inconceivable that a twenty something relatively attractive woman would chose to be a virgin if not oppressed or scared. So then why would I choose it?

Call me a romantic but I grew up with this crazy idea that one has to be in love to have sex. Now please do not mistake love with lust. I’m not talking about the hormonal definition of love. I’m talking about real love. That point where you realize you’ve found a person that not only compliments who you are but who you are about to become. Not someone who completes you, because that infers that you are not whole before. Also not someone who needs you; a couple creates dependants they should not start as dependant on each other.

Okay so maybe more on the uber realistic side not so much the romantic. Maybe that’s my problem I actually think about a relationship before I enter into it. I don’t date someone because my friends think he’s hot or because he showers me with compliments. I tend to look at a potential date as a life partner, not that I go proposing to some unsuspecting guy who asks me out. However, I do tend to try and get to know them from the start. I see no point in jumping to the physical when I know nothing about him intellectually or emotionally. That said physicality is a draw, I’m still a red blooded female after all.

As you can probably assume the number of people I’ve dated is quite stunted because of that belief. I’ve been told I’m too strong and way too independent. I’m sorry is that supposed to be a bad thing? I don’t hate men and I certainly don’t have an issue with being feminine. I do have an issue with giving bits of myself to a number of men just to satisfy a momentary urge.

All of that said I did go through a period of time in my life where I decided that my rigid views on dating and marriage were not helping the relationship aspect of my life. So I decided to lax my standards and see where that took me.

**Yes? No? Too stupid? This does have some legs as it is based on my own life but will veer further as chapters go on. So yeah...there it is. I'll go back to work now. :)

But I'll try.

I'm telling you seeing Steve play with the symphony litterally defies description. There aren't words...to say amazing isn't good enough. I'd go with beautiful but that is only a minute start.

The music ebbed and flowed in perfect harmony. I've never appreciated music like I did last night. It was just fantastic. Steve was on fire. Mike, Gilles and Daniel were just wow amazing and the symphony!!! Yikes...I wanna see them again...just...yeah...again no words. I saw Elias, Schritt and Bell as well. They are a band Steve was in for a few years at the end of the seventies/beginning of the eighties. They did a song called 'Jenny' that was awesome. Wow and Here by the Water and This is Love...I...yeah...just so damn good I cried. A few times. Damn!

I went to an after party to celebrate the fact that the show SOLD OUT and that it was, ironically Steve's birthday. :) It was one of the first times I've stayed out past one AM in a long time. It was fun, there was a ton of people at Signpost just hangin' out and livin' off the amazing high of the evening. Wow...I just...yeah...no words. Maybe once I process it a little more words will come to me.

I saw my friend there, one whom I haven't seen in awhile. So that was fantastic, I miss her, I shall have to do coffee with her soon. She looked great. I miss that office, seeing Laura once a week and seeing the guys...I think I need to have a better attitude about my new job and quit comparing it to Signpost. Anyway I asked Steve what he thought and he was in the same boat he just couldn't even find words. It was an amazing experience for him and I'm so glad I was there to see it. Wow I have a whole new appreciation of the talent of my friend and former boss.

That said Mike Janzen is the guy who scored it and damn if that man isn't a friggin' genius. He really is...just brilliant. *sigh* He's also so sweet, so humble and so frickin' funny! :)

So in other news. I threw out my back today. I was at Costco *insert jokes about large items at Costco here* and while we were loading the car my back just had a spasm and it's been acting up since. I really can't move much which is a bit of a pain *snark* cause I would like to move, but I can't so I have to resort to lying here on my fiance's couch playing on this thing while he watches the hockey game.

Domestic life is fun...minus the pain in the bum stuff. ;)

Kay I'm gonna go try out a new writing idea...wish me luck.

Why is it that the human race is so resistant to change? I know I'm being highly general but I've found, as a whole, that all of us kick and scream into change even if it's good.

I come by this question as I deal with change at work. More acuretly as I make changes at work, therefore forcing others into change. I absolutely understand that everybody deals with change differently and sometimes they'll like it better the old way and don't want it to change. My sentiments at this point, too damn bad, deal with it...that horse you're beating...IT'S STIL DEAD!!

Okay most of you will need some type of backstory. You see the office space I'm occupying used to be for the assistant to the Vice President of Student Services. In fact it still is, a part of my job is to be his assistant. The problem arrises with the school deciding to blend two jobs, the assistant job with the tour coordinator job. *insert eye roll* I love this school but sometimes I just don't get some decissions...but that's just me. Anyway the assistant part of my job requires my office to be open so students and staff alike can ask me various questions. I'm in charge of lost and found and the daily 'paper' that's printed. So I have to filter through adds to be put in the daily and L&F that accumulates. Fine no problem.

Except the OTHER half of my job requires that my office NOT be a thoroughfare and more of an office. So while I don't mind people coming to my office there are times when I'm on the phone talking to a venue about one of the teams and frankly it's disruptive, rude and unprofessional for me to um and uh in the conversation because someone has decided to waltz into my office and announce what they need. Or when I try to close the door for privacy, knock and enter without an invite because they 'need' something from my office. *sigh*

You see I understand that this USED to be a more open office and if I only had that one job then I wouldn't mind at all...but since I have the tour job on top of it I need to change what used to be or I can't do that job well at all. Which brings me to my question of why people find it so difficult to change. I know it used to be different, I know this is inconvenient, but I could do without the subconcious 'jokes' aimed at me because I have instigated the change.

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder at the purpose of working with people. Actually I don't like working with computers either because mine right now is a piece of crap. *sigh* Cranky much?

I'll go now. :)

Hey does that mean I'm cultured? Not that I am grossly paranoid about being cultured but the thought crossed my mind that I don't go out there and see a lot of that kind of thing. In fact I wouldn't have thought to go see the symphony if my old boss wasn't playing with them.

Does it mean I'm cool if I'm also working the symphony? LoL Because of course someone has to sell Steve's cd's! :) I suppose since I got primo seats before I left Signpost that it's only fair that I sell cd's for them. Plus I get in backstage then...woot woot.

The sun is shining into my office. This is uplifting. In fact it's so nice out I opened my window. See if the nice weather isn't coupled by mud I can enjoy it...plus it airs out my office which gets stuffy every now and again.

I'm boring...you're bored aren't you? Well why don't I promise to see if I can't bust out some old writing of mine for perusal...or not...I mean this is my blog after all. No one made you read it. Except for that guy I might have sent to give you 'incentive' to read. I'm sorry about that it seemed the only way to get myself heard. If you say the safewords 'bu-bye' to him he'll go away quietly.

Also if you're so dang bored that you are still reading this thing well I can't be blamed for that so I'll thank you to stop.

Yes it's true the sunshine does weird things to my phsyche I'll go be productive now. And who knows some of my writing might makes it way on here soon. So stay tuned! :)

And now it's Casting Crowns that has inspired me to put up some lyrics.

This hit home for me:

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

It scares me to say this but a lot of times I find the 'plasticness' in churches and it scares me. Is that what we are representing to the world? Well then frankly I don't blame the 'outsiders' for not wanting to become a part of the performance. Why would they?

This is what I think about early in the morning while I'm driving to pick up car pool or getting ready or just lying awake wondering why the heck I can't sleep.

I was looking at bridesmaids dresses today because my lovely friend Krista did some research. Wow, there are a lot of versions of relatively the same dress now I know why some brides only have one attendant it's only one person to dress...lol I love all my attendants though so then we'll slug along and really at some point we will find the right dress.

And then I gotta finish my guest list AND pick the desserts AND figure out the honeymoon...oh hey I think I'll go check up on that now.

It's funny how busy life can get and yet we still manage to get things done. It astounds me sometimes. I really need to write some more...I miss writing.

PS- Do you like my little kitten in the profile pic? That's my new lil baby...my miss mao. So cute! :)

...life that is. It's constantly moving, an eb and flow that takes over. We as a society have to take vacations just to calm down and nine times out of ten those vacations are filled with things to do. Why do North Americans always have to be on the move? What is wrong with just sitting?

My only problem I sit and think about the things I should be doing.

I wonder what relaxing really feels like. I mean peace I get, those brief bits of peace, oh yeah I'm on board. But true relaxation...does it exist in this life?

I suppose I'll never know...oops gotta go there's something else to do. :p

When I close my eyes sometimes I can feel a wave of peace just as my eye lids flutter closed. The wave caresses my skin in a way that stills my anxious thought. But just as a wave it crashes and blends itself into the chaos around me followed by another wave of the ever familiar anguish.

It's funny how those random waves calm me. How that little bit of peace puts my soul to rest in a way that helps me get through the day...even if it's just barely.

I'm reminded of the song 'Cry out to Jesus' by Third Day and wanted to share my favorite part.

There is hope for helpless
Rest for the weary
And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus

Jesus amazes me he really does. Foundationaly because he came to the earth for us, he died for us and rose again for us. He did all this and at those moment when I am in need he gives me that soft rush of peace, not too much, not to little just enough to calm my raging mind.

I am asked regularly how I can live through what I'm living through. Some are astounded at the strength they witness others probably think I'm hiding what's really going on. The latter makes me smile. I'm my father's daughter I can't hide what's really going on, it's not in my genetic make up to do so. For me to hide my feelings is for me to hide who I am and I was always raised to embrace who I am. Therefore, I share what I'm going through for the days when the peace just isn't enough and the anguish feels so overwhelming I'm afraid I'll drown. On those days I can seek out someone who knows about my situation and find comfort, prayer and support.

It's in those moments when I realize again how Jesus amazes me. His timing is perfect and he is the grand scheme master (is it just me or does that sound like a twisted name for a rapper?:) He is beginning and end, alpha and omega he knows past and future and choses to live in the present. He came down to earth to bridge the gap between God and man and in so doing understands God's image intimately. He knows what I'm going through because he went through it too.

He gets it, he really does and it's that thought sometimes that litterally keeps me sane.

That and the idea that because I've chosen to remain deeply rooted in my Saviour I am pissing off the enemy something awful. I like pissing him off. It tickles me a bit. ;)

So how do I manage to live through this? I don't know I take each wave as it comes and trust implicitly that my Lord knows what He's doing even when I don't.

You'd think I'd be upset about the snow. I'm not a fan of cold as a rule, but frankly it's welcome compared to the wet, muddy BLAH of the rest of the week. The large flakes of snow billowing about in the wind. The temperature slightly below zero so you have to wear layers. I don't know there is something comforting about that. Can you tell I've either a) lived here too long or b) really do have Manitoba in my blood?

I don't know what it is about melancholy that sometimes wraps me in a warm blanket, but it hits with a vengeance during dreary days (or weeks as the case my be). Plus with heading into the Christmas season and experiencing a Christmas way different than the ones in the past I'm left with a feeling of longing. It seems so ridiculous and yet justified at the same time. I've wanted to be in a relationship and introduce a man into my family for a long time and now, when I could do it at the best family time there is still longing. It's just this time it's for my dad. Wait I wasn't going to let depression hit me, you get back there you I was shunning you!

Last night I watched CSI. This comes as no shock to most, but what was interesting is I identified quite a lot to one of the characters. This identification is why I'm talking about CSI here, this won't be a review just a mere correlation. If you saw the episode you'll follow along a lot better, if not well you'll know our case well enough anyway. So the one CSI, Greg, was at an inquest in regards to an incident that had happened at work. The incident isn't relevant but the portrayal of his inquest is, he was basically put in a room with people who thought him guilty before they had any facts. Even the judge came down on him treating him as though he were a cold hearted murderer without listening to him at all. Obviously that case is contrived and fiction but the basis of it rang true for me. Greg walked into that courtroom without a chance of being heard just lead to the slaughter, the poster boy for rash actions. It didn't matter that he had feared for his life, it didn't matter that the victim had threatened him or that he himself had been beaten within an inch of his life. What mattered was he had lived and the other guy died at his hand.

Seems the same happened to us. It didn't matter what my dad had or hadn't done in the past. It didn't matter that the accuser was an admitted heroin addict. All that mattered was the nature of the crime, the ignorance of the jury and the prejudice of the judge. Too bad our lives weren't a TV show so we could get off on a technicality. Sort of sad that this kind of things happens often enough to be portrayed on TV. But I digress...

The snow billowing outside has formed a message telling me to get back to work. I'm serious there little snow words out there like alphabet soup spelling 'Sheri go to work' it's a phenomenon to say the least.

If I come up with a compelling reason to return I will. *chilled finger wave to all*

I don't know what to think about this week. The best description I can think of is BLAH. But what does that mean?

The skies are this blurry shade of grey that is all manner of depressing. I should be happy that the temperature is up, but I'm not. It's even more depressing because this is the weather that happens in spring, except now there is nothing green, nothing happy, just brown, wet and muddy. Depressing.

I hate being depressed for no reason. I don't like it...which I suppose is the point of depression. The name alone is indicative of unhappiness. Gross. My day to day life isn't too bad. I have a new job that I'm still figuring out, but I like it. I have fantastic friends that I'm finding more and more are the biggest source of sunshine in my life. I have a wonderful fiance who makes me deleriously happy. And I have a fantastic family, including the new members I have acquired in the last six months. So excuse me depression you have no place here, buh bye I shun you.

I've thought a lot lately about where my life is at now and where I expected to be, naturally my expectations were nowhere near the reality. My life has this storybook quality to it, not Dr. Seuss either more along the Frank Peretti line. I've also thought about writing the story myself, possibly an autobiography, possibly a story 'based on fact'. Then what shape would it take? Would it take the form of a diary? Nah. I always thought the term 'Dear Diary' was somewhat odd. So I'm writing to a book? What's the point the book can't write back.

Then maybe I could make it a fiction based on fact. How? Do I create characters of the same gender and placement with different names or do I just take the essense of the reality and weave into my very own fiction? If I had answers to these questions I'd have books published.

I've thought about the letters that I've written my dad in the last few months. I just sent out number 34 yesterday. I read through them from time to time and wonder how the man ever follows the randomness of my thoughts. Then again if anyone could it'd be him. Without getting too reflective I don't know if I've ever understood my connection to my parents, especially my dad. At this point I consider it to be a blessing. I am so proud of that man I can't even describe it and my mom is a pillar of strength herself. If I turn out to be half as good as them I'll be lucky.

And on that sappy note I'll get back to work now. *swats depression away* Don't even think about it, I'm ignoring you!

I have another blog started...in fact I have two. I have a MySpace profile that I rarely update. There are maybe three blog posts on there and most of the time they make no sense. I guess I don't like the idea of half the world (since everyone has a MySpace profile now) checking up on me. Although it's a bonus reading some of John Mayer's posts.

I also have a livejournal blog that I've had for a few years now. It didn't take, I'm not sure why. I do post there every now and again but it's quite restrained and I can't get into the meat of anything because it seems to open.

So this is my third attempt and I'm hoping this sticks. I have another blog on here with Krista where we rant something silly about CSI, so I don't need a place for that. I need a place for random thoughts. For deep realization, for spurts of writing that needs gettin' done. I don't know how many of you will read this, or how many will actually click the link when I send it. But if you have I commend you. You never know you might learn some things about me that you didn't know.

Or you might see me realize things you always saw in me.

Whatever your reasons you are welcome to read my inane ramblings. Heck I might even post some old poetry and stories that I have hidden in the dark recesses of my mind (read: computer). This particular blog is for me to share a little bit more of myself, because for some reason I don't think I've shared enough. LoL

Trend lightly folks, ya never know what you might come across. :)