Today was fun! Two dear friends came to visit me with their respective children and it was a good day! I mean it was loud and most of our conversations were interrupted but that's to be expected we're mothers of toddlers. The kids ran around DD's play area upstairs then we had some lunch then there was more running up and down the stairs (it's gotta be a kid thing I try to find the stairs exciting and I just can't!)

The cutest thing happened and I wish I could have gotten a better picture of it. They all decided to hold hands and walk through the house it was just so cute! Of course as soon as they saw me with the camera they decided to let go and pretend like nothing cute was going on but I knew better! Besides with the subjects it's all bound to be cute no matter how you look at it.

Another cute story, because they happen in spades around here. My BFF (Ya I just called you that :) is pregnant and we were telling DD that she had a baby in her tummy. Then as they were leaving she kept asking if I had one in my tummy to which I had to say "One day honey." Then of course she asked if Daddy had a baby in his tummy and wanted to have a baby in her tummy. To which I say, not for a LONG time please! Tonight as I was giving her her night cuddle she told me I should have a little sister in my tummy for her. I said I would do what I could. Honestly I couldn't make this up if I tried! :)

Since we moved her into her into her 'big girl bed' she's been sleeping better, it's also easier for me, if she wakes up at night I go in there crawl into bed with her cuddle her for a couple minutes then go back to bed...if I make sure not to trip up or down the stairs into my room I can do it with little to no waking up. :) Of course since we had visitors that meant her normal quiet time was a bit later. I swear to you their little bodies know when they've had enough! It's like a stinkin' switch. One minute she's playing like the happiest kid on the block and the next if a grain of sand is out of place it's the end of the world as we know it. (There are those of you who couldn't help but think 'and I feel fine' after you read that last sentence aren't there?)

She pitched a fit when they left because I dared to try and take off her shoes, she wanted to do it, then they got stuck and I had to do it. So of course our lovely visit ended with me giving half hearted smiles to my friends and trying desperately to calm my kid down. After they leave she looks at me through her sniffles and snot, 'Mommy I think I'm little tired.' Jeez ya think so kid, I hadn't noticed. *sigh* They are cute for a reason I'll tell ya that much.

Naturally she napped hard and woke up happier than a pig in...you know ;) I love being a mom, it's really never boring. Whenever it gets that way I'll try to work on a more interesting post, and possibly get some recipes up! :)

So apparently I like being domestic now that I'm kind of getting the hang of it. I don't have a routine down by any stretch of the imagination BUT I'm getting there and that's what counts. Last week was the first week that I made a healthy supper every night! I was so proud of myself. I know that probably sound ridiculous to those of you who do this on a weekly basis but trust me, if you know me, this is a feat. Especially since I'm married to mister chef guy...lol

This week I'm upping the ante by actually picking out some recipes BEFORE I go shopping then going out and getting the ingredients I need. I'm sure most of you are rolling your eyes at me thinking, duh, and this wasn't totally a revelation to me I just didn't think how much easier it was till I did it. Now I try to make something each day, dinner always and then sometimes a treat. Like yesterday I made a snack mix. Today I made cookies (my fave chocolate chip cookies) and tomorrow I'm gonna make strawberry/rhubarb crisp. And then the weekend will be spent running up and down my stairs to lose the weight from all that baking! Haha :)

DD loves to help me and whenever she does she has to wear her Starbucks apron. If I'm ever in the kitchen for longer than a few minutes she says 'Mommy can I stand on a chair and wear my apron and help you?' Helping usually consists of stirring flour and helping me dump ingredients into the bowl. She LOVES it! Plus she is constantly asking me what I'm doing (of course) so I get to cook while giving a play by play. It's like having my own cooking show for toddlers. LoL Or at least my toddler.

I'm not sure how long this will keep up because I'm still trying to incorporate all the other household chores. And lets be honest vacuuming isn't nearly as much fun as baking cookies. At least this is the case for me, if you really love to vacuum come on over to my house I'll happily let you vacuum for me.

This is the kind of thing I was looking forward to in regards to staying at home. Now I know that, for the most part, my shifts at Starbucks certainly weren't longer than 4.5 hours (except Saturday or Sunday), but you have no idea how much energy you need to be perky for that amount of time! So most of the day I'd be trying to hang out with DD and just get the basics done, now I feel like I can relax into the day. I'm sure it'll get hectic once I get DD involved in some activities outside the house, but for the summer I'm just gonna relax.

In other DD news we finally got her a big girl bed. I was so excited for her to have it and then so sad that my baby isn't in her crib anymore. Don't get me wrong she's a good 35 pounds so I'm not sad that I don't have to lift her in there anymore, but that was her first bed. I remember putting a tiny little infant in there and now my big girl is in her own bed. It's very thrilling and kind of sad at the same time. Now we need to tackle potty training and getting rid of the soother. I decided one milestone at a time though, if she gets overwhelmed it would all be a moot point. :p I'm sure I will have a ton of stories to share with potty training as well as frustrations so keep it tuned in...haha

Oh and if you want some recipes just let me know I'll try to randomly put them up in separate posts. :)

I don't even know where to start here. I wanted to put some daughterisms but there are so many I think I'll just throw some in here just to lighten up the mood on my blog. So folks don't think I'm gonna talk about deep pain and healing the whole time...lol

My daughter is funny. Really she is here's an example. Yesterday myself, my sister in law, DD and my niece are all hanging out upstairs in DD's playroom. DD gets upset about something and starts whining, which never sounds good. I tell her to stop and talk to me in a normal voice. My sister in law also mentions to DD that when you are frustrated it's not good to whine and DD says: It's not? In that tone that lets us know she's actually shocked by this information. You mean you're telling me I can communicate my frustration without whining, I am at a loss! LoL It was funny.

Her classic 'ism' is something that is done on repeat throughout the day:
DD: Mommy?
Me: Yes hunny.
DD: What are you doing?
Answer example:
Me: I'm getting some sugar
DD: Mmm I love sugar
This can be interchanged with 'Daddy' instead of Mommy and it is literally on repeat throughout the day, she is constantly asking us what we are doing. It used to be 'What are you donan' but has now graduated to the actual word doing. Still being asked, constantly, all the time...in fact please don't ever ask me what I'm doing, I'm sick of answering it...lol

Healing is a slow process. It takes a lot of patience and endurance because in order to properly heal one must properly go through the pain. That's my own quote as far as I know. If I've learned anything in my life it's that dwelling on pain effects you way more and much longer than effectively dealing with the pain.

**WARNING** This post is going to go into some detail about my miscarriage. It will not be filled with a lot of graphics or anything but I do talk a bit about the actual miscarriage. So if this type of thing offends or upsets you please do not read. Thanks :)

It's funny how the subject of miscarriage is so taboo yet it seems to happen to so many people. I kind of knew that in theory before it happened to me and then all of a sudden women were coming out of the woodwork saying they or someone close to them had suffered a miscarriage too. It's surprisingly common and rarely talked about, which makes me sad. I don't think it should be a common topic of conversation over dinner or anything but I think it should be okay to talk about it without feeling awkward. It's a real thing, it really happens and it's really okay to feel what you feel about it.

I could go on a big long diatribe on how I believe life starts at conception, yadda, yadda, yadda. I won't though, just know that is what I believe. I completely respect other's beliefs and hope they would do the same for me. If you believe differently than me that's okay just don't disrespect where I'm coming from in the process. Understand? Good.

It's interesting how one thinks about pain before one has to go through it. I've endured many different levels of pain in my life. Some common some not even remotely so and I can bet you every single time I would have said before hand that I couldn't handle anything more painful. That I was up to my brim. Then something else happens and low and behold I can handle it. With spiritual and familial help (in spades) of course, but still handled it. At this point I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the Lord really does know what I can handle and I'm just going to have to trust him on that.

Back to the topic at hand. I think I knew it was happening before it happened. I remember trying to talk myself out of it saying I was just paranoid about miscarriage since it had happened to people close to me. I wanted to ignore what I'm sure my body was telling me. It all just felt, wrong, I don't think that's the right word, maybe off it just felt off. When I found out I was pregnant I was definitely excited and amused because we got pregnant about as fast as we had with our DD. Immediately I didn't really feel pregnant, but I knew that was normal. I remember feeling that way for the first few weeks in my previous pregnancy so I just figured it would hit me eventually.

It never really did. I mean I had similar symptoms to the last time but nothing really major and as time progressed the only thing that proved to me I was pregnant was my lack of menstruation. So I just believed that I was and that I was even luckier than last time with my lack of symptoms. Then came my first appointment with my midwife. When she took out the Doppler to find the heartbeat there was nothing. She said it was normal and since I was only 11 weeks it could just mean that the fetus was too far away to read. I tried to believe that and in some cases I'm sure this is true. However in my case, I just knew. She assured me that after the weekend she would come by my house with the Doppler to try again cause she knew I would worry.

I never got past the weekend.

On the Saturday, two days after my birthday, I felt sick. Not morning sickness type sick, closer to menstruation sick. I think in the back of my mind even in the morning before I went to work I knew what was happening. Throughout the day I'd feel a lot of pain in my abdomen similar to contractions, but I kept telling myself it couldn't be that. It came and went for a few hours then calmed down so I thought that was the extent of it and figured I was just being paranoid again. However, the next time I went to the bathroom something as close to 'water breaking' as it can get happened. I don't really remember getting home let alone leaving work. It's miraculous that I could drive.

It was all so weird. I never had any physical indication of miscarriage. Most people have some spotting or something to lead them to worry and I had nothing; besides a 'feeling' of not being pregnant. Until that Saturday you could have convinced me I was just overly worried and I would have believed you. Even at the hospital the doctors and nurses kept telling me that it wasn't certain I was miscarrying. I know it was to reassure me but I know my body and I knew what it was doing. I have also been in labour and while this was not as intense as it is when you are nine months pregnant it was definitely close enough to mimic. It was real it was happening and even though I'd spent a month wondering I was in total shock.

I'd woken up that morning thinking I was pregnant and by the time I got to sleep that night I wasn't.

The next few days went by in a blur. I had to go back to the hospital to have a D&C ( go HERE if you want to know what that means). While there someone came to my room with a package for me, to help with the grieving process I guess. He was very nice but just looking over the pamphlets felt like getting punched in the stomach. It was so real to me then, I was part of that club, I'd had a pregnancy that did not end in the birth of a baby. I was angry that I had to go through this kind of pain. It's not fair, was something I said MANY times over the next few weeks. I was sad that DD wasn't going to get the sibling we promised her. I didn't want to be part of this club. Yet at the same time there was sense of relief that this time I was going through something that others could relate to.

It may sound weird, but having gone through something where little to no one can relate, knowing that there were women out there who KNEW how I felt made it that much easier for me. It didn't make it better, but it did make it bearable.

Why am I talking about this you may wonder. Mostly because I'm done grieving it. I'll never forget what happened or the baby I didn't have, but I have moved on from the grief. I don't know if me talking about it will help anyone but myself so right now that is why I'm talking about it. To help allow me to truly heal. Also, because no one really wants to talk about it, or at least very few. I remember about a week after it happened someone whispered to my mother asking how I was doing. I quipped 'I had a miscarriage I'm not deaf'. That of course was rude and uncalled for the person in question was only trying to be kind and I knew that. I just didn't want it swept under the rug. I was right there it was okay to ask me, it happened to me and I was okay.

At that point I was just okay but that's how healing works it takes time.

So I've decided to revamp my blog...again. I know, I know I keep changing it randomly, usually following a long lull between posts. Although this whole year between posts is a first I think. Either way I started thinking about what's gone on in my life in the past year and figured now is a good time for me to try to delve back into blogging and since it's been awhile  I think I have some blog post ideas that could keep me in posts for a few weeks.

The title change actually came from my good friend Holly. I needed to make it about being a mother but also about being an individual and she suggested changing the title to The Mommy in Me and I liked that. I decided to change Mommy to Mama because Mama is a term that my darling daughter (DD) came up with on her own and she tends to call me that only when it's endearing. Any time she whines or cries it's either Mommy or Mom. LoL

Some things that I will probably talk about in the next few blog posts:

• Working through a miscarriage that happened last year and my subsequent struggles to trust the Lord as I went through the grieving process, came out of it and now trusting the Lord that our next child will arrive at a time that is right for us, not when I want. 
• Our move from Winnipeg to Morden and the fun that was selling our house, moving our house and being able to live in our 'summer home' as we still search for the perfect house for us.
• As a result of the move being able to go from working part-time out of the home to becoming a stay at home mom (SAHM). I have thoughts on the pros and cons of this decision as well as thoughts on where I'd like to be in the future.
• Possibly some hints to things I have written or things I want to write. I've always loved writing and one day would like to have something substantial for possible publication. Right now I don't know that I'm brave enough to try and get anything published, but that just can't seem to stop me from writing.
• Last but not least my continuing journey as a mother. My DD teaches me new things every day which can sometimes be very amusing...I'll try to remember them all cause I know I'll love to read these things later on in life.