I usually start a post with a title and then work my way through the post incorporating the title. Is that a writer thing? I have no idea but it's what I do. I do that with emails too, I need subject lines, I don't know why...anyway today I can't think of a title so I'm just going to ramble here for a bit and maybe one will jump out at me.

Random thought...I like jolly rancher chews, they are just so full flavour. Here's another random thought, I got a random card in the mail the other day. My sister and her best friend (who is my friend too :) sent me presents in lue of my lingerie shower last Friday. In the box (which said 'Sheri gets to have sex' on the front, thanks Becky :) were two beautiful pieces that I can add to my ever growing collection. Anyway also in the box was a card that congratulated me on turning one. LoL I asked my sister about it and she said that all they could find when they were looking for cards were these cheesy ones with silly poems and stuff so they randomly picked another one..it's very funny. :)

I'm doing it again...I'm trying not to get bogged down with the eighty things that I apparently NEED to do yesterday! Dangit, I know now why the turn over in this job is so high...I don't know how anyone could do this for longer than a couple of years without going slightly insane. And let's face it I'm already slightly insane, any longer and I'll be certifiable. Stupid job. So then why am I blogging and not working? Well it's break time and since I rarely actually TAKE a break I figured I'd blog for a couple of minutes. Justified? Most certainly.

So I was thinking about sarcasm the other day and how it has affected my life (read: infiltrated and thus taken over). A lot deem sarcasm a very mean form of communicating and I beg to differ only in that the person who is sarcastic needs to be aware of his/her audience. I mostly am...there have been times when maybe I should have but I wasn't. I will pose a couple of situations to you and you may guess which of the retorts I did NOT say and I'll let you know who gets it right. All of the situations happened...just one I thought the retort and did not say it. ;)

Here goes:

Situation one:
Working at McDonald's a drive thru customer requested that I put ice in one of his large drinks but not both of them. When I handed the tray to him he asked, 'Which one has ice?'
Response:
"Shake them, the one that makes noise more than likely has the ice."

Situation two:
Working at a bakery pulling out a large rack of fresh bread behind me I was approached by a customer who said, 'Do you have any bread?'
Response:
"Nope, what you see behind me is a figment of your imagination."

Situation three:
Working at Tim Hortons a woman was beyond rude going through drive thru. I was finishing three months of night shift and moving to BC in a week. The woman tells me after I have handed her the drink tray that she can get me fired.
Response:
"Good luck I've already quit."

So faithful blog readers...which of these three response did I NOT say?? I would put a time limit on it but frankly I just want to see how many of you read this and respond.

Okay I hear you it's time to get back to work. Fine I will...hope you had fun reading...ooh I thought of a title.

I'm apparently entitled to the dawn because it's my middle name.

You know how 'they' say it's always darkest before the dawn? Well apparently that means there's gonna be a dawn...and I believe it because my mom said.

In the mean time I'm learning to appreciate each day and what it can give me and I've gotta say today brought me a lot of laughs. It really did. It's so ridiculously late and I'm still up because I've just finished having the most hilarious shower.

It was insane!!

Honestly the kinds of seeds a person sows over the years really can come back to haunt you.

I had my lingerie shower tonight and it was too much fun. I got to see old friends that I haven't seen in awhile and congratulation one of them on her engagement. I got to recieve payback from some of them who got fun presents from me at their showers...oh yeah and I laughed.

Man there was laughing.

I have some of the funniest friends...it amazes me how I've acquired them but I truely have some great friends and family too...presents, literally, from around the world. I got something from Australia for goodness sake! (Thanks Nics!!!)

It's days like these that really help me to believe that there is a dawn...so I should get to sleep before dawn actually hits.

I gotta remember for thank you cards! :)

Anyone who reads this who was there...you guys are so fantastic...you really are. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart...and I gotta say...just as an FYI. I'm pretty sure Jonathan thanks you too. :)

I think of the weirdest things while I'm driving to work. Especially when I'm driving at the gawd awful time of 6:30 in the morning. It's too early to watch the sunset and feels like it's midnight, which is when I should be sleeping. I digress...anyway the thoughts that cascade through my mind at this moment in the day are odd to me. Sometimes they are profound and I wish I could write them down so I don't forget. Other times they are ludicrus enough that I wisely keep them to myself.

The best and worst times are when I come up with a good story idea...or a plan to continue one of the many tales I've already started. They are the best because if I've started something I do have the urge to finish it...and they are the worst because driving down the highway is a bad time to get a good idea.

So today I'm thinking of that story I started way back in November and decided to post a bit more of it just for fun...oh here's the link to the first part since it's been awhile "My Choice" This is semi-autobiographical in that I'm definitely a lot like the main character and I'm basing other characters on people I know...but only basing. Any of the stories are elaborated or completely made up. :) I don't really know what to do with this yet but here it is non the less...honestly I don't know why I write this stuff...lol

My Choice
© SDW 06/07

First a back track:

I love my dad. He is just fantastic. I love how he treats my mother and how he treats us kids. He is by no means perfect and does not profess to be so; therefore I love him even more. I say this because the staple with which I have held perspective boyfriends is up to my dad. I suppose that’s not fair what with my dad being so wonderful and all but if women can date idiots because their fathers treated them badly then I don’t think there is anything wrong with me NOT dating said idiots because my father is a sweetheart.

Besides I like a challenge.

My mom met my dad in grade one. They grew up in school together, started dating when they were fifteen and got married at nineteen. They have struggled just like any couple but they believe in the sanctity of marriage and hold true to the realism that while love is a major part, there is also work involved.

I believed that this sort of thing would happen to me all through high school. Despite the fact that I lived in a different area than my parents had and went to a school that decidedly did NOT have the cream of the crop to choose from. What with having the highest pregnancy rating one year it became painfully obvious by grade ten that if I wasn’t going to ‘put out’ I wasn’t going to date much.

When I graduated at eighteen I decided to move away. I needed to get out from my parent’s wing, so to speak, and find my own identity. So I moved in with a relative quite a ways away from my parents. I made friends closer to my belief system and actually found myself a boyfriend a mere three months into living there. Consider that the beginning of my lax standards, although I wouldn’t have admitted that at the time.

Vince Schuderman. He was a whole lot of things wrapped in a pretty package. He had just enough of my beliefs to be enticing and just enough mystery to be a draw. He was aloof, attractive, closed off yet open enough that I couldn’t stay away from him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first time we met.

I had been staying with my relatives for a week when I saw him. I was on the back balcony and he was carrying a sapling through the backyard to obviously be planted. I almost dropped the ice tea I was holding.

“Cute isn’t he?” My aunt’s voice came out of no where.

I blinked, “Who?” Yeah that’s all I could get out of my mouth. You have to understand that high school showed me a variety of guys but nothing in this realm of pretty.

“His younger sister goes to school with Zoe.” I hardly noticed my aunt chuckle like she knew something I didn’t. Whatever.

I decided, at that moment, to become closer friends with my little cousin.

It didn’t take me long to figure out a way to meet him and thankfully I didn’t have to become best friends forever with a nine year old. He was looking for a hoe and I knew where it was. The play on words and irony are not lost on me so stop the jokes before they start.

He had brilliant blue eyes. “Hey you’re the niece right?” He stood and accepted the tool from me while I tried not to stare.

I swear to God any romance novel I had ever read was going through my mind with descriptions about how beautiful he was. Everything he did was in slow motion including wiping sweat off his forehead. The fact that I didn’t stammer is still lost on me, “That’d be me, the niece. My name is Caden”

He smiled, cute and nice teeth, I noticed as though I was grading a stud filly. “Pleasure to meet you Caden. How long are you staying with Ted and Heidi?”

“Not sure, few months I guess.” I had hoped to maybe find a job and apartment, but heck cheap room and board wasn’t lost on me.

“Good,” Oh see he was smiling again, “I’ll get to see more of you then.”

I just nodded in what I hoped was a demure and sexy way. I’m sure it came off as more of an involuntary spasm. When I got back to my room I tried to regulate my heart beat and figure out why one guy could do that to me when hundreds at my high school didn’t. I tend to over analyze it’s a crutch.

He asked me to be his date to his cousin’s wedding a week later and we just started hanging out. I knew as I talked to him that I was falling hard and convinced myself that even though our story wasn’t the exact same as my parents’ maybe if I worked hard enough at it I could make this relationship the same. I overlooked his tendency to be distant and chose to forget the fact that it was usually me that did any of the emotional sharing.

He also went out a lot, to parties, drinking and I didn’t feel comfortable in those settings. It didn’t matter to me and for almost two months I had myself convinced that this had been the guy I’d waited for. We didn’t get to the sex talk because out of no where he called me one night and told me that he’d cheated…or at least he thought so…he wasn’t sure.

See you later Vince.

I’m a very forgiving person, but there is something I don’t take lightly and that’s trust. I will implicitly trust anyone when I go into relationship with them whether it be friendship or more. However, you mess with my trust, you mess with the relationship.

As I look back on it I think that moment was when my view on dating changed exponentially. I had been so sure that I’d know and had convinced myself that Vince was it. When he broke my trust in him I lost trust in myself. I would second guess myself at any relationship potential and then finally decided that maybe my self righteous rant about virginity and love was just as false as my relationship with Vince had been.

A year later, after Vince apparently realized he was in love with me, I met Zach. Oh Zach, he was a character. He came zipping through my life a friend of my roommate who turned into my teacher on the ways of a player. When I look back on it he was playing me at the same time as he was teaching me. It really isn’t much. It’s being confident, or at least mastering the ability to look confident. Then find your target’s vulnerability and play on that. For example, at that time Vince was trying to ‘get me back’ because he’d had this epiphany that he was actually in love with me Zach was using Vince's treatment as an in to show me that I deserved better.

Vince is a sweet guy, all things said; he just has no sense of timing. He didn’t seem to understand that he needed to earn my trust back. It wasn’t a matter of ‘oops I cheated I’m sorry’ and then we go off into the sunset. That view was ruined for me and what Zach did is he painted me a new horizon. He made me feel like I was heard and that I deserved better. He never actually offered to be the guy who was better, just told me enough to have me believe that he was it.

Zach didn’t last but the things he taught me about being confident in myself and who I am and not letting some guy define me resonated right to the back of my mind. I wasn’t sure what to do with them at the time but they gave me a completely different outlook on approaching men. When I moved back home and decided that the way I had been living my life was boring and I’d never find a man that way it was my experiences with Vince and Zach that tended to dictate my interactions with men.

Cue rebelling against myself. I say that but I never could rebel completely. While I was finding it hard to believe that there would ever be anyone for me to love forever I did still believe that my virginity was important and while I didn’t care who I dated for awhile I still cared about making sure it never got to far. I think my subconscious was still trying to save it for the guy who I knew was out there; I just lost focus for awhile.

I was thinking today...just sort of pondering. This kind of phenomenon isn't exactly good because it leads to more thinking and pondering and less sleep and as we all know, I can't lose much more sleep.

Anyrot, still thinking so I figured I'd write up some of the things that I wish for...here they are in no particular order.

True love <-- thankfully I've found that, at the perfect time too...thank you Jesus.

Rest for my parents...and I mean real rest, the kind where they can sit back and just be with each other.

A day when my brother really understands the kind of man he can become.

A time when my sister can sleep and find rest.

A job that I actually like, not like it because I love the people I work with, but because the job makes me just a little more passionate each day.

A chance to really write something worth reading.

A home...my home. A place where I can live that isn't owned by anyone but myself and Jonathan. My own kitchen, bathroom, living room etc...one that I can decorate with items that make me feel comfortable. An actual place that's his and mine.

A car that works in any weather and payments that don't contribute to my lost sleep.

Peace of mind...real, genuine, peace of mind.

Pure joy...and the presence of mind to enjoy it, to really revel in pure joy.

Children...ones that will look so beautiful living in our house.

To make an impact.

To express the love of Jesus in a way that actually resonates with people, not make me look like a pretentious know-it-all.

To live a good, God fearing, loving and full life and then finally get to spend uninterrupted time with Jesus.

Comfort.

A real hardcover book with my name on it.

To worry less and enjoy life more.

To have me time again...even if it's just a few minutes.

Heck I'll take some rest for myself.

To be able to somehow thank each and every person who has prayed, supported and genuinely been there for my family in the last five years.

To live out my life and regret nothing.

...and I'm spent. I have to get up early tomorrow so I must sleep now.

Oh and BTW...

Michele I'm sorry my list made you feel too old...I don't think you are and I liked your boots on Sunday.

And Gab you made me feel much better about the Tim Hortons thing...thanks babe. :)

Just because I haven't done one of these in forever and always thought they were fun!

63 Questions

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Every day for the rest of my life
2. What song describes your relationship status? At Last
3. How much does your dog/cat weigh? 5 pounds of insanity
4. Ever waxed your legs? many times
5. Earrings or necklaces? both
6. Who have you talked to most today? A lot of people...consistently, Krista so far
7. Friend of the opposite sex that lives closest to you: Paul, he lives downstairs with his wife and kid. :)
8. Color of your shirt? pink
9. How many years have you studied a language? Uh French for about 6 years total
10. Who's on speed dial 5? Krista
11. Good advice if you ever go camping? know how to build a fire
12. Are you a bad influence? sometimes ;)
13. What color are your eyes? blue and only blue
14. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name? Mine
15. Would you do anything for someone? depends on the someone
16. Have you ever been called a whore? uh no...but I was called whorelips...lol
17. Favorite color? that depends on my mood, usually, red, green, blue and the pinks
18. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? Quite a lot, I'm actually addicted, I think I need SMA (Smiley Faces Anonymous)
19. What song is on? Something About You - MercyMe
20. Are/were your grades good? sure, above average most of the time
21. Do you have any friends with benefits? does my fiance count?
22. Would you date anyone on your top friends? I'm engaged to one of my top friends
23. Does your best friend have a blogspot? yup
24. Who's page did you last visit? My friend Jen on livejournal
25. Last time you went out to lunch? Hmm...lunch with Jonathan last Sunday
26. Do you watch the Gilmore Girls? not really
27. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson? I only know the song he does with BEP
28. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.? Nah, I sometimes watched only because it was on before CSI.
29. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s? Two I believe
30. Which radio stations are your favorites? 103.1 and 95.1
31. Are you a Lost fanatic? I was for the first season and then it got dumb so I dropped out of the fanatic club
32. Still have pictures of your ex? Not that I recall...well there is that one
33. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library? Can't say that I do
34. Alannis Morsette? Here Jagged Little Pill album
35. Do you watch Family Guy regularly? nope
36. King of the Hill? I think I've seen one or two eps
37. Do you read trashy romance novels often? no, just occasionally
38. Do you ever forget to give a Christmas/birthday present? no, although Krista's Christmas present might be a best friend valentine...lol
39. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car? if I'm alone
40. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home? I'm usually too tired
41. Have you ever watched a little kids show? Sure, my housemates have a two year old who loves Bob the Builder

THE NECESSARY LOVE QUESTIONS THAT AREN'T NECESSARY
42. Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they weren't? Huh? If someone has done that can they explain what that is?
43. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school? Not as far as I know
44. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn't ask her/him out ? Sure
45. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush? no, but there are times when I think of nothing but my fiance
46. Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance? Yeah, during my 'whorelips' faze.

UTTERLY AND POINTLESS QUESTIONS
47. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis? No but I take multivitamins
48. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? No but I'm cleaner than I am messy
49. Have you ever been to South America or Africa? I've been to Cuba does that count for something?
50. Do you know how to knit? I tried once and only succeeded in making my grandmother laugh a lot.
51. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?No my cell is just grey, but has a pic of my niece on the front and my cat on the inside...my iPod is just plain black.
52. Do you keep a diary or journal/blog online? Uh yes...you are reading one of them

THIS OR THAT
53. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone? Baskin Robbins because I don't know what Coldstone is
54. Physics or Chemistry? Don't care either way...uh...physics?
55. pink or teal? mmm...pink
56. Earrings or a ring? Both...I have ten earrings and four rings
57. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or Star Wars? Lord of the Rings
58. Fly or road trip? Depends on where we're driving but a road trip is fun with the right companions
59. Starbucks or Tim Hortons? Starbucks, I know I'm a bad Canadian
60. Earphones or headphones? What's the difference?

RANDOM QUESTIONS
61. What is your favorite Disney movie? Aladdin
62. How much jewelry do you own? A lot but my favorites are what I wear every day with my engagement ring taking top honors of course :)
63. Have you ever bought clothing at Sears? Yup...although the quality was questionable

Now wasn't that fun and totally pointless??

I am just so ridiculously tired. I think I'm past the point of tired to just functioning. It's not that I haven't gotten any sleep. In the past two days I've gone to bed early knowing I would be waking up at 5am. Yet for some reason, still tired. Why is that?

Why can't I ever seem to catch up on sleep? I close my eyes at night but I actually can't remember a time when I woke up genuinely rested. I've had gravol and sleeping pill induced 'rest' and then you know those sick passed out kind of sleep. That's not sleep, it's an illusion of sleep.

I think the last time I was actually relaxed was...oh no not then. I was going to say when I went to Cuba in '02 I was relaxed but that's not true cause that was about a week after I found out 'the info' that has forever changed my life. Stupid info. :p

In ten minutes I'm leaving to go to my next job where I will work for three hours then go home to hopefully 'sleep'. Why do I delude myself? Maybe I'll get me some gravol. The idea is to go home right after, wind down a bit and then hopefully get to sleep before ten. Then I'll sleep in tomorrow...or basically start tossing and turning around 5 and maybe get out of my bed at 9.

Sick isn't it? :p

...not anyone a thing...a pretty big thing and not something I thought I'd mourn but I am. I'm not going to get a 'one day everyone can come celebrate big' wedding. I gotta say I'm sad about that. Yeah sure I'm very understanding of the circumstances surrounding my situation and maybe I allowed myself to be deluded into thinking that a big wedding would be possible, but I can't help it. I've waited a long time for this guy, I wanted to celebrate with everyone who mattered...at once.

Now the alternatives are just fine, I'll live with them, my ultimate goal is to be married to him at the end of the day and that is a garuntee so it's not about that. I thought about doing a two part wedding (ceremony in my parents province major reception here where his family is) at the beginning and there were some good suggestions about how to go about that. However, I got caught up in being a bride and all the things that go with it. Including planning one day, in one place, with everyone who matters. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. No bride former or future is going to deny me wanting that.

However, comments have been made about how I should have stuck to the two wedding plan and then it wouldn't be so bad. I understand that the bearer of the comment is just trying to lighten my stress and emotional strain and I appreciate that, but it's not that simple. I can't plan around my dad's situation. I found out a couple of key pieces of information from the point of booking the place for my 'one day' and now when I'm deciding on the two days. These decisions are not easy and I'm sorry to all the women out there that I know who were once brides, you can't relate to my situation. You can't...at all...it's so damn unique that the only thing we have in common is the fact that at the end of the day I'll be a wife just like you.

Basically I tried, once again, to do things like everyone else around me and I realized, once again, that I can't. I have never been able to, there has always been a reason for every 'normal' major occurance in someone's life to be different for me. High school grad...the years immediately following...dating...rebelling...College grad...falling in love and now our wedding. I'm different, it's a fact and most of the time I'm comfortable with that and just choose to go with the flow of the situation because what other choice do I have?

So maybe I'm not really in mourning...maybe I'm just in a deep sense of the realistic. My life is just gonna be different from the norm. I'll just have to enjoy the ride.