I was going to try and write another post that swings away from my miscarriage but it felt to me like I should probably talk about the healing process as well as the pain process. Then if anyone has a question or comment I'm all ears and perfectly willing to keep the conversation going if that's at all helpful. So let's talk healing...

Initially a band-aid was not going to do it. The wound left by the loss of my baby was too big to be covered by a mere strip of adhesive. My initial instinct was to dive into myself and just stay there crying about what I didn't have. I wanted to, I wanted to stay in bed for days not having to connect with the world or talk to anyone. Fortunately for me my DD made this impossible. No matter what I was going through or how I was feeling she needed me and that, sometimes only that, forced me to join the land of the living. And if any of you have been around my daughter at all you know it's almost impossible not to smile around her. She's a delight and an integral part of my healing.

She magically started healing this large wound in one moment. One night when I was cuddling her before bed softly crying into her hair, clinging to the child I was allowed to have, she turned and looked at me with a smile and simply said 'My mommy'. In that moment it hit me, I'm still a mom, I still have this beautiful person that I DID carry to term. How could I sit there and think only about what I'd lost when before me was tangible proof of what I had already gained. Losing my baby did not take away my motherhood and that was a lifeline for me. I know I'm lucky there are so many who go through this who don't have another child to come home to and my heart breaks for them. If you are one of those people living with this every day know that you are my hero, your strength to make it through every day is a testament and I don't know if I would be strong enough. Hats off to you ladies (and the partners who support them) may you come through this and get the deepest desires of your hearts.

It took time which I hate, I think one of the worst four letter words I can hear is...wait. I can't stand it, it's so annoying. I don't want to wait I don't want to dwell I want to deal with it, be done and move on. My entire life the Lord has been teaching me to wait, to live in the now, not to think about what could have been but what is. I'm pretty sure I will be learning this right up until the moment when I leave this world, because I just can't stand to wait. This instance was no different. I wanted to be done being sad, done crying, done cursing every pregnant woman or woman with an infant who happened to cross my path. It wasn't their fault that I didn't have my baby, they didn't have healthy children to spite me. Knowing that and feeling that were two different things.

Which leads into the next integral part of my healing. While the time from the first part to this next part is a series of months it was this last bit that helped me realize I was ready to move on. Coupled with the time in between these two moments I think I'm at a healthier place regarding my loss. I'm never, ever, going to forget but at this point I'm really ready to move passed it.

It's funny how my daughter started the healing and my niece is the one who finished it. She was born three weeks before what would have been my due date. I'll admit when I first saw her all I could think of was, why does she get to be here and my baby isn't? Immediately I knew, though, that I was never going to blame my niece for being born. It's not her fault and again she is not here out of spite. There was nothing that was going to be gained by me disregarding this beautiful infant just because I did not have my own. That said I wasn't at the point where my feelings matched what I knew. I would hold her and I knew I loved her, but it was like it didn't reach my heart. The pain and grief were preventing me from treating her as I had her older brother and sister when they had been born.

Then around Easter when she was about 3 months old, it happened, and I didn't even realize it until I was in the moment. To give some back story since my older niece was born I've pretty much done the same thing whenever I'm with that family. They come into the room and I go for that baby. I can't help it I love babies, and I love it when they fall asleep on me. It's like they are telling me they trust me enough to just pass out on me. I hadn't even realized I'd never done that until Easter when they arrived and as soon as my sister in law put that car seat down I had to have that baby. I had to hold her and later on, sure enough, she was sleeping on me. I didn't even notice that I was holding her different until my sister in law said something about the fact that all her kids have to sleep on me. That's when I noticed, I wasn't just holding this baby I was enveloping her and kept kissing the top of her head, I was loving her and I wasn't even thinking about my baby. I was just enjoying this child for who she is, it was a beautiful thing. I really felt, in that moment, that the there would always be a scar but finally the scar was at a point where it was just that, with no residual pain.

Of course I'll always know that I could have had a child the same age as my niece but I really feel that I'm not going to be putting that on my niece. She is an individual who had nothing to do with my loss and that is how I'm going to treat her.

So that's a, somewhat, short form version of my miscarriage and how that has shaped my outlook on life. If you have any questions feel free to ask, I can actually talk about it with out that sharp pain my heart, in fact the more I talk about it the better I feel. :)

Here's a picture of some of the flowers we received after, we really are blessed with very good friends :)