So I think it's happening...I'm starting to get cabin fever, going crazy in my apartment taking a crash course in 'speaking baby 101'. We all know that I love Arielle like crazy, I don't need to convince you of that so please remember this as I rant...I'd die for her...period.

It's been 5 months of sporadic sleep, 24/7 world revolving around one one tiny (okay she's a big girl but you get my point) person. Sure I get my time here and there although I have to sacrifice my sleep in the morning just to get that hour and a half three times a week that I go to the gym. Since the snow fell I haven't had a chance to go for walks and Jonathan needs the car more because his bike is not equipped for the snow which means Sheri and Arielle are pretty much grounded and I'm starting to feel stir crazy.

I could clean my apartment but it'll get messy five minutes later and I just can't be bothered. Other scintillating things I can do are dishes, laundry, clean the bathroom, reorganize Arielle's room for the 90th time...count the dust bunnies in my room and shut the door because my room is last on the list of things to do. Her naps are never long enough for me to truly relax before I back in the cycle of caring for her. Even at night when she's sleeping peacefully my mind is always half conscience acutely aware of her sound, waiting to get up and go to her. On the nights when I allow myself to believe I can sleep, she changes from sleeping 8 hours straight to waking up 3 hours after I go to sleep. In that state it is a struggle to remind myself that she is not doing this on purpose...she's not meticulously planning to ruin mommy's precious sleep...she's hungry, she's got gas, she's scared, she's teething...she has legitimate baby needs and it's my full time job to meet those needs. The difference with this full time job is I really don't get breaks, time off or any kind of pay, except the sheer joy of caring for this perfect little being...too bad Safeway doesn't take that as payment for food...lol

Living in an apartment that also houses the lead foot family doesn't help...there's no reprieve I'm stuck in a place I can't really make my own because I'm only renting it. So then we take steps to go the route of owning our own home, which brings a whole bunch of new stress. How to afford it? When I go back to work, where does child care come from? Am I going to have to go back to work full time? Can I do that? Will the house be too much? If so, am I going to slowly go mad living under these inconsiderate loud people? Am I just going to slowly go mad period?

You know what I want? Let me just dream here and it's probably due to the fact that I'm so close to Christmas at home that this dream focuses on my family. I want my mom and dad nearby...like in Winnipeg. Not so I could have free babysitting or anything like that but just to be near them. For most of my life I've had to miss close family...every since I was 18 and moved to BC...then moved back to ON...then my sister goes to BC...then I go to MB...everyone is always so damn far away and at a time when I want them to experience their niece/granddaughter the way I do they can't cause they're so far away. Frankly it's annoying...lol I know I'm not the only one who wishes their family was near but I'm throwing this pity party so I can cry if I want to ;)

Anyway, my beautiful baby is awake and in need so I'll go...I'm gonna try and get some lunch in there too somewhere...wish me luck. :)