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**WARNING** This post is going to go into some detail about my miscarriage. It will not be filled with a lot of graphics or anything but I do talk a bit about the actual miscarriage. So if this type of thing offends or upsets you please do not read. Thanks :)
It's funny how the subject of miscarriage is so taboo yet it seems to happen to so many people. I kind of knew that in theory before it happened to me and then all of a sudden women were coming out of the woodwork saying they or someone close to them had suffered a miscarriage too. It's surprisingly common and rarely talked about, which makes me sad. I don't think it should be a common topic of conversation over dinner or anything but I think it should be okay to talk about it without feeling awkward. It's a real thing, it really happens and it's really okay to feel what you feel about it.
I could go on a big long diatribe on how I believe life starts at conception, yadda, yadda, yadda. I won't though, just know that is what I believe. I completely respect other's beliefs and hope they would do the same for me. If you believe differently than me that's okay just don't disrespect where I'm coming from in the process. Understand? Good.
It's interesting how one thinks about pain before one has to go through it. I've endured many different levels of pain in my life. Some common some not even remotely so and I can bet you every single time I would have said before hand that I couldn't handle anything more painful. That I was up to my brim. Then something else happens and low and behold I can handle it. With spiritual and familial help (in spades) of course, but still handled it. At this point I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the Lord really does know what I can handle and I'm just going to have to trust him on that.
Back to the topic at hand. I think I knew it was happening before it happened. I remember trying to talk myself out of it saying I was just paranoid about miscarriage since it had happened to people close to me. I wanted to ignore what I'm sure my body was telling me. It all just felt, wrong, I don't think that's the right word, maybe off it just felt off. When I found out I was pregnant I was definitely excited and amused because we got pregnant about as fast as we had with our DD. Immediately I didn't really feel pregnant, but I knew that was normal. I remember feeling that way for the first few weeks in my previous pregnancy so I just figured it would hit me eventually.
It never really did. I mean I had similar symptoms to the last time but nothing really major and as time progressed the only thing that proved to me I was pregnant was my lack of menstruation. So I just believed that I was and that I was even luckier than last time with my lack of symptoms. Then came my first appointment with my midwife. When she took out the Doppler to find the heartbeat there was nothing. She said it was normal and since I was only 11 weeks it could just mean that the fetus was too far away to read. I tried to believe that and in some cases I'm sure this is true. However in my case, I just knew. She assured me that after the weekend she would come by my house with the Doppler to try again cause she knew I would worry.
I never got past the weekend.
On the Saturday, two days after my birthday, I felt sick. Not morning sickness type sick, closer to menstruation sick. I think in the back of my mind even in the morning before I went to work I knew what was happening. Throughout the day I'd feel a lot of pain in my abdomen similar to contractions, but I kept telling myself it couldn't be that. It came and went for a few hours then calmed down so I thought that was the extent of it and figured I was just being paranoid again. However, the next time I went to the bathroom something as close to 'water breaking' as it can get happened. I don't really remember getting home let alone leaving work. It's miraculous that I could drive.
It was all so weird. I never had any physical indication of miscarriage. Most people have some spotting or something to lead them to worry and I had nothing; besides a 'feeling' of not being pregnant. Until that Saturday you could have convinced me I was just overly worried and I would have believed you. Even at the hospital the doctors and nurses kept telling me that it wasn't certain I was miscarrying. I know it was to reassure me but I know my body and I knew what it was doing. I have also been in labour and while this was not as intense as it is when you are nine months pregnant it was definitely close enough to mimic. It was real it was happening and even though I'd spent a month wondering I was in total shock.
I'd woken up that morning thinking I was pregnant and by the time I got to sleep that night I wasn't.
The next few days went by in a blur. I had to go back to the hospital to have a D&C ( go HERE if you want to know what that means). While there someone came to my room with a package for me, to help with the grieving process I guess. He was very nice but just looking over the pamphlets felt like getting punched in the stomach. It was so real to me then, I was part of that club, I'd had a pregnancy that did not end in the birth of a baby. I was angry that I had to go through this kind of pain. It's not fair, was something I said MANY times over the next few weeks. I was sad that DD wasn't going to get the sibling we promised her. I didn't want to be part of this club. Yet at the same time there was sense of relief that this time I was going through something that others could relate to.
It may sound weird, but having gone through something where little to no one can relate, knowing that there were women out there who KNEW how I felt made it that much easier for me. It didn't make it better, but it did make it bearable.
Why am I talking about this you may wonder. Mostly because I'm done grieving it. I'll never forget what happened or the baby I didn't have, but I have moved on from the grief. I don't know if me talking about it will help anyone but myself so right now that is why I'm talking about it. To help allow me to truly heal. Also, because no one really wants to talk about it, or at least very few. I remember about a week after it happened someone whispered to my mother asking how I was doing. I quipped 'I had a miscarriage I'm not deaf'. That of course was rude and uncalled for the person in question was only trying to be kind and I knew that. I just didn't want it swept under the rug. I was right there it was okay to ask me, it happened to me and I was okay.
At that point I was just okay but that's how healing works it takes time.
It's funny how the subject of miscarriage is so taboo yet it seems to happen to so many people. I kind of knew that in theory before it happened to me and then all of a sudden women were coming out of the woodwork saying they or someone close to them had suffered a miscarriage too. It's surprisingly common and rarely talked about, which makes me sad. I don't think it should be a common topic of conversation over dinner or anything but I think it should be okay to talk about it without feeling awkward. It's a real thing, it really happens and it's really okay to feel what you feel about it.
I could go on a big long diatribe on how I believe life starts at conception, yadda, yadda, yadda. I won't though, just know that is what I believe. I completely respect other's beliefs and hope they would do the same for me. If you believe differently than me that's okay just don't disrespect where I'm coming from in the process. Understand? Good.
It's interesting how one thinks about pain before one has to go through it. I've endured many different levels of pain in my life. Some common some not even remotely so and I can bet you every single time I would have said before hand that I couldn't handle anything more painful. That I was up to my brim. Then something else happens and low and behold I can handle it. With spiritual and familial help (in spades) of course, but still handled it. At this point I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the Lord really does know what I can handle and I'm just going to have to trust him on that.
Back to the topic at hand. I think I knew it was happening before it happened. I remember trying to talk myself out of it saying I was just paranoid about miscarriage since it had happened to people close to me. I wanted to ignore what I'm sure my body was telling me. It all just felt, wrong, I don't think that's the right word, maybe off it just felt off. When I found out I was pregnant I was definitely excited and amused because we got pregnant about as fast as we had with our DD. Immediately I didn't really feel pregnant, but I knew that was normal. I remember feeling that way for the first few weeks in my previous pregnancy so I just figured it would hit me eventually.
It never really did. I mean I had similar symptoms to the last time but nothing really major and as time progressed the only thing that proved to me I was pregnant was my lack of menstruation. So I just believed that I was and that I was even luckier than last time with my lack of symptoms. Then came my first appointment with my midwife. When she took out the Doppler to find the heartbeat there was nothing. She said it was normal and since I was only 11 weeks it could just mean that the fetus was too far away to read. I tried to believe that and in some cases I'm sure this is true. However in my case, I just knew. She assured me that after the weekend she would come by my house with the Doppler to try again cause she knew I would worry.
I never got past the weekend.
On the Saturday, two days after my birthday, I felt sick. Not morning sickness type sick, closer to menstruation sick. I think in the back of my mind even in the morning before I went to work I knew what was happening. Throughout the day I'd feel a lot of pain in my abdomen similar to contractions, but I kept telling myself it couldn't be that. It came and went for a few hours then calmed down so I thought that was the extent of it and figured I was just being paranoid again. However, the next time I went to the bathroom something as close to 'water breaking' as it can get happened. I don't really remember getting home let alone leaving work. It's miraculous that I could drive.
It was all so weird. I never had any physical indication of miscarriage. Most people have some spotting or something to lead them to worry and I had nothing; besides a 'feeling' of not being pregnant. Until that Saturday you could have convinced me I was just overly worried and I would have believed you. Even at the hospital the doctors and nurses kept telling me that it wasn't certain I was miscarrying. I know it was to reassure me but I know my body and I knew what it was doing. I have also been in labour and while this was not as intense as it is when you are nine months pregnant it was definitely close enough to mimic. It was real it was happening and even though I'd spent a month wondering I was in total shock.
I'd woken up that morning thinking I was pregnant and by the time I got to sleep that night I wasn't.
The next few days went by in a blur. I had to go back to the hospital to have a D&C ( go HERE if you want to know what that means). While there someone came to my room with a package for me, to help with the grieving process I guess. He was very nice but just looking over the pamphlets felt like getting punched in the stomach. It was so real to me then, I was part of that club, I'd had a pregnancy that did not end in the birth of a baby. I was angry that I had to go through this kind of pain. It's not fair, was something I said MANY times over the next few weeks. I was sad that DD wasn't going to get the sibling we promised her. I didn't want to be part of this club. Yet at the same time there was sense of relief that this time I was going through something that others could relate to.
It may sound weird, but having gone through something where little to no one can relate, knowing that there were women out there who KNEW how I felt made it that much easier for me. It didn't make it better, but it did make it bearable.
Why am I talking about this you may wonder. Mostly because I'm done grieving it. I'll never forget what happened or the baby I didn't have, but I have moved on from the grief. I don't know if me talking about it will help anyone but myself so right now that is why I'm talking about it. To help allow me to truly heal. Also, because no one really wants to talk about it, or at least very few. I remember about a week after it happened someone whispered to my mother asking how I was doing. I quipped 'I had a miscarriage I'm not deaf'. That of course was rude and uncalled for the person in question was only trying to be kind and I knew that. I just didn't want it swept under the rug. I was right there it was okay to ask me, it happened to me and I was okay.
At that point I was just okay but that's how healing works it takes time.
*hugs*