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I think of the weirdest things while I'm driving to work. Especially when I'm driving at the gawd awful time of 6:30 in the morning. It's too early to watch the sunset and feels like it's midnight, which is when I should be sleeping. I digress...anyway the thoughts that cascade through my mind at this moment in the day are odd to me. Sometimes they are profound and I wish I could write them down so I don't forget. Other times they are ludicrus enough that I wisely keep them to myself.
The best and worst times are when I come up with a good story idea...or a plan to continue one of the many tales I've already started. They are the best because if I've started something I do have the urge to finish it...and they are the worst because driving down the highway is a bad time to get a good idea.
So today I'm thinking of that story I started way back in November and decided to post a bit more of it just for fun...oh here's the link to the first part since it's been awhile "My Choice" This is semi-autobiographical in that I'm definitely a lot like the main character and I'm basing other characters on people I know...but only basing. Any of the stories are elaborated or completely made up. :) I don't really know what to do with this yet but here it is non the less...honestly I don't know why I write this stuff...lol
My Choice
© SDW 06/07
First a back track:
I love my dad. He is just fantastic. I love how he treats my mother and how he treats us kids. He is by no means perfect and does not profess to be so; therefore I love him even more. I say this because the staple with which I have held perspective boyfriends is up to my dad. I suppose that’s not fair what with my dad being so wonderful and all but if women can date idiots because their fathers treated them badly then I don’t think there is anything wrong with me NOT dating said idiots because my father is a sweetheart.
Besides I like a challenge.
My mom met my dad in grade one. They grew up in school together, started dating when they were fifteen and got married at nineteen. They have struggled just like any couple but they believe in the sanctity of marriage and hold true to the realism that while love is a major part, there is also work involved.
I believed that this sort of thing would happen to me all through high school. Despite the fact that I lived in a different area than my parents had and went to a school that decidedly did NOT have the cream of the crop to choose from. What with having the highest pregnancy rating one year it became painfully obvious by grade ten that if I wasn’t going to ‘put out’ I wasn’t going to date much.
When I graduated at eighteen I decided to move away. I needed to get out from my parent’s wing, so to speak, and find my own identity. So I moved in with a relative quite a ways away from my parents. I made friends closer to my belief system and actually found myself a boyfriend a mere three months into living there. Consider that the beginning of my lax standards, although I wouldn’t have admitted that at the time.
Vince Schuderman. He was a whole lot of things wrapped in a pretty package. He had just enough of my beliefs to be enticing and just enough mystery to be a draw. He was aloof, attractive, closed off yet open enough that I couldn’t stay away from him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first time we met.
I had been staying with my relatives for a week when I saw him. I was on the back balcony and he was carrying a sapling through the backyard to obviously be planted. I almost dropped the ice tea I was holding.
“Cute isn’t he?” My aunt’s voice came out of no where.
I blinked, “Who?” Yeah that’s all I could get out of my mouth. You have to understand that high school showed me a variety of guys but nothing in this realm of pretty.
“His younger sister goes to school with Zoe.” I hardly noticed my aunt chuckle like she knew something I didn’t. Whatever.
I decided, at that moment, to become closer friends with my little cousin.
It didn’t take me long to figure out a way to meet him and thankfully I didn’t have to become best friends forever with a nine year old. He was looking for a hoe and I knew where it was. The play on words and irony are not lost on me so stop the jokes before they start.
He had brilliant blue eyes. “Hey you’re the niece right?” He stood and accepted the tool from me while I tried not to stare.
I swear to God any romance novel I had ever read was going through my mind with descriptions about how beautiful he was. Everything he did was in slow motion including wiping sweat off his forehead. The fact that I didn’t stammer is still lost on me, “That’d be me, the niece. My name is Caden”
He smiled, cute and nice teeth, I noticed as though I was grading a stud filly. “Pleasure to meet you Caden. How long are you staying with Ted and Heidi?”
“Not sure, few months I guess.” I had hoped to maybe find a job and apartment, but heck cheap room and board wasn’t lost on me.
“Good,” Oh see he was smiling again, “I’ll get to see more of you then.”
I just nodded in what I hoped was a demure and sexy way. I’m sure it came off as more of an involuntary spasm. When I got back to my room I tried to regulate my heart beat and figure out why one guy could do that to me when hundreds at my high school didn’t. I tend to over analyze it’s a crutch.
He asked me to be his date to his cousin’s wedding a week later and we just started hanging out. I knew as I talked to him that I was falling hard and convinced myself that even though our story wasn’t the exact same as my parents’ maybe if I worked hard enough at it I could make this relationship the same. I overlooked his tendency to be distant and chose to forget the fact that it was usually me that did any of the emotional sharing.
He also went out a lot, to parties, drinking and I didn’t feel comfortable in those settings. It didn’t matter to me and for almost two months I had myself convinced that this had been the guy I’d waited for. We didn’t get to the sex talk because out of no where he called me one night and told me that he’d cheated…or at least he thought so…he wasn’t sure.
See you later Vince.
I’m a very forgiving person, but there is something I don’t take lightly and that’s trust. I will implicitly trust anyone when I go into relationship with them whether it be friendship or more. However, you mess with my trust, you mess with the relationship.
As I look back on it I think that moment was when my view on dating changed exponentially. I had been so sure that I’d know and had convinced myself that Vince was it. When he broke my trust in him I lost trust in myself. I would second guess myself at any relationship potential and then finally decided that maybe my self righteous rant about virginity and love was just as false as my relationship with Vince had been.
A year later, after Vince apparently realized he was in love with me, I met Zach. Oh Zach, he was a character. He came zipping through my life a friend of my roommate who turned into my teacher on the ways of a player. When I look back on it he was playing me at the same time as he was teaching me. It really isn’t much. It’s being confident, or at least mastering the ability to look confident. Then find your target’s vulnerability and play on that. For example, at that time Vince was trying to ‘get me back’ because he’d had this epiphany that he was actually in love with me Zach was using Vince's treatment as an in to show me that I deserved better.
Vince is a sweet guy, all things said; he just has no sense of timing. He didn’t seem to understand that he needed to earn my trust back. It wasn’t a matter of ‘oops I cheated I’m sorry’ and then we go off into the sunset. That view was ruined for me and what Zach did is he painted me a new horizon. He made me feel like I was heard and that I deserved better. He never actually offered to be the guy who was better, just told me enough to have me believe that he was it.
Zach didn’t last but the things he taught me about being confident in myself and who I am and not letting some guy define me resonated right to the back of my mind. I wasn’t sure what to do with them at the time but they gave me a completely different outlook on approaching men. When I moved back home and decided that the way I had been living my life was boring and I’d never find a man that way it was my experiences with Vince and Zach that tended to dictate my interactions with men.
Cue rebelling against myself. I say that but I never could rebel completely. While I was finding it hard to believe that there would ever be anyone for me to love forever I did still believe that my virginity was important and while I didn’t care who I dated for awhile I still cared about making sure it never got to far. I think my subconscious was still trying to save it for the guy who I knew was out there; I just lost focus for awhile.
The best and worst times are when I come up with a good story idea...or a plan to continue one of the many tales I've already started. They are the best because if I've started something I do have the urge to finish it...and they are the worst because driving down the highway is a bad time to get a good idea.
So today I'm thinking of that story I started way back in November and decided to post a bit more of it just for fun...oh here's the link to the first part since it's been awhile "My Choice" This is semi-autobiographical in that I'm definitely a lot like the main character and I'm basing other characters on people I know...but only basing. Any of the stories are elaborated or completely made up. :) I don't really know what to do with this yet but here it is non the less...honestly I don't know why I write this stuff...lol
My Choice
© SDW 06/07
First a back track:
I love my dad. He is just fantastic. I love how he treats my mother and how he treats us kids. He is by no means perfect and does not profess to be so; therefore I love him even more. I say this because the staple with which I have held perspective boyfriends is up to my dad. I suppose that’s not fair what with my dad being so wonderful and all but if women can date idiots because their fathers treated them badly then I don’t think there is anything wrong with me NOT dating said idiots because my father is a sweetheart.
Besides I like a challenge.
My mom met my dad in grade one. They grew up in school together, started dating when they were fifteen and got married at nineteen. They have struggled just like any couple but they believe in the sanctity of marriage and hold true to the realism that while love is a major part, there is also work involved.
I believed that this sort of thing would happen to me all through high school. Despite the fact that I lived in a different area than my parents had and went to a school that decidedly did NOT have the cream of the crop to choose from. What with having the highest pregnancy rating one year it became painfully obvious by grade ten that if I wasn’t going to ‘put out’ I wasn’t going to date much.
When I graduated at eighteen I decided to move away. I needed to get out from my parent’s wing, so to speak, and find my own identity. So I moved in with a relative quite a ways away from my parents. I made friends closer to my belief system and actually found myself a boyfriend a mere three months into living there. Consider that the beginning of my lax standards, although I wouldn’t have admitted that at the time.
Vince Schuderman. He was a whole lot of things wrapped in a pretty package. He had just enough of my beliefs to be enticing and just enough mystery to be a draw. He was aloof, attractive, closed off yet open enough that I couldn’t stay away from him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first time we met.
I had been staying with my relatives for a week when I saw him. I was on the back balcony and he was carrying a sapling through the backyard to obviously be planted. I almost dropped the ice tea I was holding.
“Cute isn’t he?” My aunt’s voice came out of no where.
I blinked, “Who?” Yeah that’s all I could get out of my mouth. You have to understand that high school showed me a variety of guys but nothing in this realm of pretty.
“His younger sister goes to school with Zoe.” I hardly noticed my aunt chuckle like she knew something I didn’t. Whatever.
I decided, at that moment, to become closer friends with my little cousin.
It didn’t take me long to figure out a way to meet him and thankfully I didn’t have to become best friends forever with a nine year old. He was looking for a hoe and I knew where it was. The play on words and irony are not lost on me so stop the jokes before they start.
He had brilliant blue eyes. “Hey you’re the niece right?” He stood and accepted the tool from me while I tried not to stare.
I swear to God any romance novel I had ever read was going through my mind with descriptions about how beautiful he was. Everything he did was in slow motion including wiping sweat off his forehead. The fact that I didn’t stammer is still lost on me, “That’d be me, the niece. My name is Caden”
He smiled, cute and nice teeth, I noticed as though I was grading a stud filly. “Pleasure to meet you Caden. How long are you staying with Ted and Heidi?”
“Not sure, few months I guess.” I had hoped to maybe find a job and apartment, but heck cheap room and board wasn’t lost on me.
“Good,” Oh see he was smiling again, “I’ll get to see more of you then.”
I just nodded in what I hoped was a demure and sexy way. I’m sure it came off as more of an involuntary spasm. When I got back to my room I tried to regulate my heart beat and figure out why one guy could do that to me when hundreds at my high school didn’t. I tend to over analyze it’s a crutch.
He asked me to be his date to his cousin’s wedding a week later and we just started hanging out. I knew as I talked to him that I was falling hard and convinced myself that even though our story wasn’t the exact same as my parents’ maybe if I worked hard enough at it I could make this relationship the same. I overlooked his tendency to be distant and chose to forget the fact that it was usually me that did any of the emotional sharing.
He also went out a lot, to parties, drinking and I didn’t feel comfortable in those settings. It didn’t matter to me and for almost two months I had myself convinced that this had been the guy I’d waited for. We didn’t get to the sex talk because out of no where he called me one night and told me that he’d cheated…or at least he thought so…he wasn’t sure.
See you later Vince.
I’m a very forgiving person, but there is something I don’t take lightly and that’s trust. I will implicitly trust anyone when I go into relationship with them whether it be friendship or more. However, you mess with my trust, you mess with the relationship.
As I look back on it I think that moment was when my view on dating changed exponentially. I had been so sure that I’d know and had convinced myself that Vince was it. When he broke my trust in him I lost trust in myself. I would second guess myself at any relationship potential and then finally decided that maybe my self righteous rant about virginity and love was just as false as my relationship with Vince had been.
A year later, after Vince apparently realized he was in love with me, I met Zach. Oh Zach, he was a character. He came zipping through my life a friend of my roommate who turned into my teacher on the ways of a player. When I look back on it he was playing me at the same time as he was teaching me. It really isn’t much. It’s being confident, or at least mastering the ability to look confident. Then find your target’s vulnerability and play on that. For example, at that time Vince was trying to ‘get me back’ because he’d had this epiphany that he was actually in love with me Zach was using Vince's treatment as an in to show me that I deserved better.
Vince is a sweet guy, all things said; he just has no sense of timing. He didn’t seem to understand that he needed to earn my trust back. It wasn’t a matter of ‘oops I cheated I’m sorry’ and then we go off into the sunset. That view was ruined for me and what Zach did is he painted me a new horizon. He made me feel like I was heard and that I deserved better. He never actually offered to be the guy who was better, just told me enough to have me believe that he was it.
Zach didn’t last but the things he taught me about being confident in myself and who I am and not letting some guy define me resonated right to the back of my mind. I wasn’t sure what to do with them at the time but they gave me a completely different outlook on approaching men. When I moved back home and decided that the way I had been living my life was boring and I’d never find a man that way it was my experiences with Vince and Zach that tended to dictate my interactions with men.
Cue rebelling against myself. I say that but I never could rebel completely. While I was finding it hard to believe that there would ever be anyone for me to love forever I did still believe that my virginity was important and while I didn’t care who I dated for awhile I still cared about making sure it never got to far. I think my subconscious was still trying to save it for the guy who I knew was out there; I just lost focus for awhile.
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